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| Alanis Morrisette. Famous Attachment Parent |
Attachment Parenting. Two word that strick fear in the hearts of media outlets, and silky forums alike. The question that most often plagues my mind is "Why is this controversial?"
For as long as child bearing has existed, attachment parenting (sometimes called "hands on" parenting) has been what we just instinctually do. Not just humans. No, not at all. Every species on the planet, humans included, have the automatic knowledge, and reactions that accompany attachment parenting. Personally, i'm not really a fan of the term "attachment parenting", as it sets us further apart from others, furthers the practice from considered normal, and makes it out that WE are the ones practicing strange parenting habits. I decided to use a picture of Alanis Morrisette as an example of attachment parents.
Not as purpose to offend anyone, but knowing that our immediate instinct when we hear a crying baby is to tend to it, then why oh WHY are we told to go against that? A newborn baby is not capable of manipulation. All they know is "hungry, sleepy, wet". They depend on constant contact with their parents to know that they are safe. Babies are babies for a reason. They don't need to "learn to be independent". Independence is something children learn themselves, not something that can be taught.
Take Gorillas for example: They are never without their children. Their children are completely dependent on them for several years by needing to nurse, comfort, and are carried nearly everywhere. If this is so "detrimental" then why are their no Gorillas left? I know, i know. Nearly everyone uses the Gorilla analogy. Well there's a reason for that. It's a GOOD analogy! Gorillas, technically speaking, are our closest mammalian relatives. Their physical appearance, and social patterns nearly mimic our own, and are differed only by their total dependence of instinct.
You might be asking yourself "What does this have to do with the blog title?" I'm getting to that. Shortly, i promise.
It seems in this day-and-age the "mommy wars" are most prevalent among parents insulting, and demeaning each others parenting styles rather than showing support, and gentle education to our peers. We attachment parents strive to gently discipline our children, so how is gentle public education any different? Yes, many people out there are stubborn, and wont listen, but shouting "you horrible parent!" or "your kids will destroy the planet!" isn't exactly helping the cause.
The biggest problem mainstream parents have with attachment parents stems (i believe) partly from a jealousy (for lack of a better term) that we went with our instincts instead of what's popular; and partly from the fear that has been instilled that our instincts aren't good enough, and that we need to shut ourselves off from our kids emotionally, or they will be doomed to be co-dependent, jobless, leeches of society. Why is this? Why are we taught to fear our instincts?
Much of parenting involves fear, it's true. We are constantly scared of every move we make, praying that the choices we make are the right ones, that sometimes if one little thing goes wrong, we immediately blame everything we have ever done as a parent on it.
If you think it's bad debating parenting styles with aunts, uncles, parents, or people online; try debating it with your husband!
I am a fully crunchy parent. Yes, my boys were circumcised, formula fed, and they did cry it out for a time. I did what i knew. And now i know better. I did try to breastfeed as hard as i could. However, i really didn't know what i was doing, and had absolutely NO support in it. That can be very isolating.
I believe in breastfeeding, baby-wearing, extended rear-facing, gentle discipline, encouragement, delayed solids, bed sharing, delayed selective vaccinating, etc.
Skie on the other hand, is different.
He was born in 1977, around the time parents were urged to cry it out. His mother did it due to her own laziness, and generally being a horrible person (not because of crying it out, but because of EVERYTHING she did as a parent) but that is a long, horrifying story for another day.
He was raised being spanked, swatted with a switch, told to never "talk back" and smacked if he did, just to name a few things.
Basically, our parenting styles are the complete opposite.
He believes in spanking, while i believe in time out.
It isn't a total loss though. Through our years together, i have managed to educate him breastfeeding, extended rear-facing, delaying solids, bed sharing, and a LITTLE on vaccinations. The rest, we still butt heads on.
He always insists that my attachment parenting methods don't work because Eragons behavior can still be awful at times, and his outbursts are very violent, and physical. No, the attachment parenting works. You know why he still behaves that way? Because as soon as Eragon starts acting up, Skie gets upset, and blames it on the methods he was not raised around. This causes us to fight with eachother, and then the kids see that.
Don't get me wrong, i'm not blaming everything on Skie or anything like that. I know good and well it takes two people to argue. Skie has a lot of problems he is seeking help for. Problems that are really not my place to put publicly. If he wants everyone to know exactly what is going on, then he will tell me, or post it himself. What i CAN tell you, is that his counselors have diagnosed his problems are stemming from his childhood upbringing. So yeah, that should tell you something.
Parenting is hard, and everyone knows that. But it doesn't have to be "going to rip my hair out" stressful. We have had a long hard road as parents so far. 3 kids in 2 1/2 years is quite a lot to deal with. However, compared to many parents, our journey has just begun.
We have made many mistakes along the way, and are still learning. Learning never stops as a parent. There will ALWAYS be something new to try, or something new you learn about your children. Or even yourself.
Some days are good. We are still struggling with trying to wake up at a decent time in the morning so that Eragon naps around noon, and goes to bed around 7-9. Trust me, we have tried waking him up at 9 AM. But when we do, he won't nap until 5 at night, and then he stays up until 2, sometimes 3 in the morning.
So far, the only way he will nap mid-day, and go to bed at around 8 PM, is if we wake him up at 6 in the morning. The biggest problem with that is us. I have never been a morning person. Since he still goes to bed very very late, i would have to go to bed with him to even have a chance at waking up at 6. The issue with that, is that most of the work i need to do occurs after they go to bed. And another thing, we try to use the time when the kids go to bed to spend time together since we can't during the day. But if we do that, then we can't wake him up in the morning. And when that happens, we're stressed out because we didn't get to wind down the night before, adding more stress, and the cycle goes on, and on, and on, and on... Another problem is that Zachary still wakes up 2-6 times during the night despite eating during the day, and being dry. The only way he will sleep through the night is if he is in Skie's arms. However, we only have 1 bed. Our room is not big enough for Eragons toddler bed, so it's all 4 of us in a bed that's meant for two. We would just get a bigger bed, but our room is quite small, and the crib is very large. Aside from that, we can barely afford the essentials at this point.
That's why we're mostly crunchy. Not only is it what's best for kids and families; it is also fiscally sound.
I could write all day long, and still not capture everything about attachment parenting, and all it's benefits. So, i shall post some links below to different attachment parenting websites, and facebook pages. I would post links to blogs, but the ones i frequent are located over there ------->
So, here are the links. Enjoy :)
Parents Place
Attached Parents At Work
The Crunchy Convert
Mama Drama
Opinionated Mamas
Kelly Mom
Mommy Potamus
Mama Natural Blog
Gabe and Jess
"When you know better, you do better." -Maya Angelou
