Argh! Haven’t posted in a bit!
So, a few things have been going on. For one, Eragon just turned two
on the 24th *yay!!* His party is tomorrow, and i have been practically
KILLING myself getting ready for it! A home-made lightning McQueen cake,
Pizza, chicken & spinach fajitas, a make your own sunday station,
balloons, streamers, and lots of friends, and family.
I was going to have an OB appointment yesterday, but Eragon’s car
seat was in my grandma’s car, and she had gone out, so i had to
re-schedual to this monday, which also happens to be the same day as
Zachary’s eye doctor appointment. He has one eye that turns in, and may
or may not need infant glasses to correct it. My Dr. is (thank goddess!)
a new doctor from the two i had for my previous pregnancies. I am
SOOOOO lucky he has transferred out to my area, because he is the only
VBAC friendly doctor in the county! He was the resident physician at
Syracuse medical center, has (i believe) nearly two decades of
experience as an obstetrician (possibly more), has assisted in, and
performed many VBAC’S, and is pretty much my only shot at having a VBA2C
in the hospital i go to. Unlike the nurses that work there.. One of
them actually said to me “If you come to this hospital to give birth,
you WILL have a c-section!” and then of course, the dreaded “Well, you
have no PROOF you can give birth vaginally.” Plus the little gem about
me being “knocked up again” and “getting fat” i mentioned in a previous
blog post. Yeah, that does WONDERS for my EDNOS. Bitch..
Anywhoo.. I haven’t met him yet. He has taken a leave of absence due
to a family emergency (i will not post what, out of respect for his
family), so until he comes back, i have to deal with the NP. Oh joy..
I’ve been getting lots of migranes lately. Mostly when i wake up in
the morning, as i have been sleeping in more so than usual (too
exhausted from being pregnant to wake up), and when i sleep too much i
get killer migranes that will last all day unless i take something. I’ve
pretty much been downing aleve like MNM’s lately.
We’ve been having some extra behavioral issues with Eragon lately.
For the life of us, we can NOT get him to stop biting, kicking,
pinching, slapping, and pushing down Zachary!! We got him to stop biting
about a month before Zachary was born, but then he started it up again
about 4 months after his birth. I know he’s special needs (not diagnosed
yet. Waiting for an appointment.) and it must be hard on him, but he
needs to stop!
So, i’m 15 weeks 5 days along now, and these weeks are just FLYING
by!! We find out the sex of the baby in just 4 weeks, and 5 days!! I am
SOOOO excited!!!
Part of me is hoping for a girl, because we already have two boys, me
and Skie keep fighting about circumcision (the boys are cut, but after
that i have done my research, and am now against it.), and almost all
women have the urge to have a girl at least once in their life. We would
make a gorgeous baby girl :)
And yet: a part of me wishes for a boy. Partly because i already know
what to expect from boys. The bigger part is because i will be keeping
him intact this time, no-matter what Skie says, and i feel it may help
heal some of my guilt, and regret from letting it happen to my boys :’(
So, i guess i’ll be happy either way.
Then, there’s breastfeeding. I fully plan to breastfeed for as long
as both me, and the baby are willing, and happy with the relationship.
Skie on the other hand wants me to stop at a year (despite the WHO
recommending a MINIMUM of 2 years, and the natural biological age for
child-led weaning is between 3 and 7 years.) He even went as far as to
say that the only reason mothers EBF, is so that they can get away with
“getting nasty” with their kids without being judged!! WTF?!?!? I even
said to him “You know, if you think of feeding a child in a sexual way,
and think of people getting off on that; then YOU are the one with the
problem!!” And he said to me “How do i have a problem for being
disgusted at the truth?!” Ugh.. I swear, some men should have mandatory
lobotomies. Though, with an opinion like that, it seems he may have
already! I digress.. It’s probably just due to his upbringing with his
nasty ass, abusive mother who did all sorts of disgusting things with
her “boyfriends” (if you can call them that) in front of him and his
brother. Oh, not to mention that she stole my private journal, and
showed it to people, threatening to get my kids taken away because of
the contents. There was nothing illegal, or bad in there. All i had in
there were my personal thoughts, and feelings. How i hated my body, and
recording my dieting. And also that i sometimes had thoughts of cutting
again (i used to do it a LOT), but also that i did NOT give in to those
thoughts. So yeah, she had no leg to stand on. Oh well.
So, i’ve been really depressed for the past few weeks. Not wanting to
get out of bed, not wanting to do much of anything, and practically
having to force myself to go through the daily motions. I’m not sure if
it’s stress, life, my chronic depression, or pregnancy hormones, but i’m
starting to think i should talk to a counselor about this. PPD can be a
serious thing, and i definitely don’t need that on top of everything
else. My kids deserve a happy mother, who can do the absolute best for
them.
Aside from the depression, i just feel physically exhausted. There’s a
point during the day where i get a sudden burst of energy, but before
and after that i can just barely keep my eyes open. I’ve also been
getting this pain on the left side of my belly button, that shoots down
into…. places. Not sure if it’s just my uterus stretching or what, but
that kind of pain stopped with the boys at about 10 weeks. Maybe it’s
because this is my third. Idk. But it really sucks. So does the nausea.
Well, i don’t really have much more to write, so i guess i’ll sign off. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. Peace XOXO
Sunday, September 30, 2012
VBA2C preparation. To homebirth, or not to homebirth.
A lot of controversy has been stirring in recent years about what
some call a “trend”. It is quite sad that the most natural thing in the
world is now deemed “crazy” “stupid” “risky” or my personal favorite
“unnecessary”. What is this “trend” i speak of? Put quite simply, it is
natural childbirth.
Now, i’m not just talking about vaginal birth. I’m talking about NATURAL birth. Many people have opposing views on what the definition of “natural birth” is. Personally, i think natural birth is a birth of whatever feels natural to YOU. Take me for example: My first labor lasted 5 hours. It consisted of me being kept laying flat on my back with 2 I.V’s, a urinary catheter, and 3 fetal monitors strapped to my belly; the doctor breaking my water without my knowledge, or consent, frequent, painful vaginal exams where the doctor decided i “needed” a c-section for reasons that are still unknown to me 2 years later, the anesthesiologist yelling at me for moving while he administered the spinal during a contraction, and me not being able to see my son until the next day despite him being born at 5:39 AM.
My second labor… Didn’t happen. I found a new care provider, who said he was VBAC supportive. Until i was 39 weeks. I went in at my 39 week appointment for a routine ultrasound to determine Zachary’s position. I had been leaking fluids very slowly all morning, yet forgot to mention it as i wasn’t sure if it was my water or not. The ultrasound tech became worried about my “low fluid levels”, and immediately sent the report to my doctor. He decided right then and there to go ahead and cut me. I told him i had been leaking fluid all morning, but he ignored me. He kept me there until my son was born. I got to my appointment at 10:30 AM, and he was born somewhere after 7 PM. I was supposed to be taken in immediately. However, they decided to put me on I.V’s, a catheter, and refuse to let me eat or drink anything. They kept delaying my surgery because, apparently, every time my turn came up, another woman “had” to go in before me. Really? Their c-section rate scares me. So, it took every ounce of strength in me to stay awake during the surgery, and i fell asleep within minutes after i was sewn up. I woke up several hours later to hold my son, and luckily was able to.
..These were not natural births..
For me, a natural birth would be few, to no vaginal exams, NO augmentation, vaginal, delayed cord clamping, food and water availability, being able to move around, and birth in positions that AREN’T on my back, etc. That is what I would like. And that is why i want a VBA2C. I can NOT go through the trauma i went through with my sons. Because of my first c-section, i failed to breastfeed because of the amount of pain i was in, and the fact that they gave him formula without my consent, so he wouldn’t latch. I couldn’t see him until the day after he was born, and wasn’t allowed to hold him until the day after that. He was born at 37 weeks, spent 5 days in the NICU, was on I.V. fluids, heart monitors, and a ventilator because he had jaundice, underdeveloped lungs, and an immature nervous system despite being 7 lbs 10 1/2 oz, and 20 1/2 inches long.
However, many women i have spoken to describe natural birth as simply a vaginal birth.
Women in our society today have lost touch with what our bodies were meant to do. We no-longer trust our motherly instincts, our nature as women, and the power we have to create life.
Many, many times, i have described how horrible my experiences with c-sections were, and people told me “at least your kid is alive” or told me to “just get over it.” Sorry, but no. I can’t just “get over” having a medical team lie to me, violate my body, violate my rights, and take advantage of me because i wasn’t fully informed of my options. Aside from that, having my body ruined and scarred for life, feeling like a failure because my body “wasn’t good enough” to birth my own children, feeling like a failure because my body “wasn’t good enough” to feed my own children, and causing horrible PPD. Nope, sorry. I don’t think that’s something i can just brush off. Thanx.
I have really been struggling with my options lately. At my last appointment, the nurse told me “well, if you come here to give birth, you WILL have a c-section.” Even though i know this to be complete bogus, these nurses have been through all of my pregnancies so far, and my anxiety makes it nearly impossible for me to speak up for myself.
I took it upon myself today to print out the ACOG 2010 VBAC recommendations to show to my doctor at my appointment on the 27th (i’m 14 weeks +2 and still haven’t met my doctor). The hospital follows the VBAC guidelines from 1996, and i’m not sure they’re even aware that the college reviewed it’s statements. I have also printed out the ICAN Q&A about what to do when your hospital has “banned” VBAC’s, and a birth plan in which i indicated that i do not consent to cesarean sections unless a fatal medical emergency arises. I will provide links for all 3 at the bottom of this post.
Anyhoo, because of my lack of support from family, and medical professionals, i have been considering a home birth with a midwife, and a Doula, but i am on medicaid, and can’t afford them. So, i was strongly considering an unassisted birth; but now i just don’t know. It’s not so much that i’m doubting myself, it’s more that i want that safety net, and to know that if something goes wrong, that i wont have to risk being caught in a traffic jam or something on the way to the hospital. Of course either way; hospital, or home; i intend to labor at home. I have been thinking about staying home for as long as possible, and getting quite well into my labor before going to the hospital. Yet, at the same time, i’m afraid of the doctors and nurses making the rest of my labor so difficult, and bombarding me with their “recommendations” and “opinions”. I want a nice, peaceful birth. I feel that if they make it stressful for me, that it will stress out the baby, and cause problems, or maybe even a rupture.
Choices like this are very serious, and should only be made with the utmost research on the risks, and benefits of EVERY choice before deciding. I know that i absolutely will NOT budge on what i want for my labor and delivery, but still; in the throws of labor, having everyone try to force interventions on you, telling you everything that “will” go wrong, pulling the dead baby card, yelling at you, etc; that is NOT the kind of environment that is conducive to childbirth, and NOT something the mother needs. *sigh* at least i still have 25 weeks and 5 days to make my final decision, and get to know my doctor.
Luckily, Dr. Neulander is new to the practice. All the doctors are. The hospital decided to get rid of their entire obstetrics team, so NONE of the doctors that were involved in my first two c-sections are there anymore *cue chorus of angels*. Who knows, perhaps he is more supportive of VBAC than these nurses know. I’m not going to know for sure for another week and 2 days. Part of me is excited (mostly because my doctor actually speaks english this time), and the other part is scared of the unknown. Not knowing what this doctor will be like, or what his opinions are on VBAC’s, or natural births altogether.
So, i guess that’s all for now. Nothing much else to write for now. Just needed to vent. I hope everyone has a great day, and a pleasant evening. Bye xoxo
Links:
ACOG 2010 VBAC guidelines:
http://www.acog.org/About_ACOG/News_Room/News_Releases/2010/Ob_Gyns_Issue_Less_Restrictive_VBAC_Guidelines
Exercising your right to refuse. ICAN Q&A:
http://www.ican-online.org/vbac/your-right-refuse-what-do-if-your-hospital-has-banned-vbac-q
Blank birth plan:
http://images.thebump.com/tools/pdfs/birth_plan.pdf
What is a “natural birth” to you?
Now, i’m not just talking about vaginal birth. I’m talking about NATURAL birth. Many people have opposing views on what the definition of “natural birth” is. Personally, i think natural birth is a birth of whatever feels natural to YOU. Take me for example: My first labor lasted 5 hours. It consisted of me being kept laying flat on my back with 2 I.V’s, a urinary catheter, and 3 fetal monitors strapped to my belly; the doctor breaking my water without my knowledge, or consent, frequent, painful vaginal exams where the doctor decided i “needed” a c-section for reasons that are still unknown to me 2 years later, the anesthesiologist yelling at me for moving while he administered the spinal during a contraction, and me not being able to see my son until the next day despite him being born at 5:39 AM.
My second labor… Didn’t happen. I found a new care provider, who said he was VBAC supportive. Until i was 39 weeks. I went in at my 39 week appointment for a routine ultrasound to determine Zachary’s position. I had been leaking fluids very slowly all morning, yet forgot to mention it as i wasn’t sure if it was my water or not. The ultrasound tech became worried about my “low fluid levels”, and immediately sent the report to my doctor. He decided right then and there to go ahead and cut me. I told him i had been leaking fluid all morning, but he ignored me. He kept me there until my son was born. I got to my appointment at 10:30 AM, and he was born somewhere after 7 PM. I was supposed to be taken in immediately. However, they decided to put me on I.V’s, a catheter, and refuse to let me eat or drink anything. They kept delaying my surgery because, apparently, every time my turn came up, another woman “had” to go in before me. Really? Their c-section rate scares me. So, it took every ounce of strength in me to stay awake during the surgery, and i fell asleep within minutes after i was sewn up. I woke up several hours later to hold my son, and luckily was able to.
..These were not natural births..
For me, a natural birth would be few, to no vaginal exams, NO augmentation, vaginal, delayed cord clamping, food and water availability, being able to move around, and birth in positions that AREN’T on my back, etc. That is what I would like. And that is why i want a VBA2C. I can NOT go through the trauma i went through with my sons. Because of my first c-section, i failed to breastfeed because of the amount of pain i was in, and the fact that they gave him formula without my consent, so he wouldn’t latch. I couldn’t see him until the day after he was born, and wasn’t allowed to hold him until the day after that. He was born at 37 weeks, spent 5 days in the NICU, was on I.V. fluids, heart monitors, and a ventilator because he had jaundice, underdeveloped lungs, and an immature nervous system despite being 7 lbs 10 1/2 oz, and 20 1/2 inches long.
However, many women i have spoken to describe natural birth as simply a vaginal birth.
Women in our society today have lost touch with what our bodies were meant to do. We no-longer trust our motherly instincts, our nature as women, and the power we have to create life.
Many, many times, i have described how horrible my experiences with c-sections were, and people told me “at least your kid is alive” or told me to “just get over it.” Sorry, but no. I can’t just “get over” having a medical team lie to me, violate my body, violate my rights, and take advantage of me because i wasn’t fully informed of my options. Aside from that, having my body ruined and scarred for life, feeling like a failure because my body “wasn’t good enough” to birth my own children, feeling like a failure because my body “wasn’t good enough” to feed my own children, and causing horrible PPD. Nope, sorry. I don’t think that’s something i can just brush off. Thanx.
I have really been struggling with my options lately. At my last appointment, the nurse told me “well, if you come here to give birth, you WILL have a c-section.” Even though i know this to be complete bogus, these nurses have been through all of my pregnancies so far, and my anxiety makes it nearly impossible for me to speak up for myself.
I took it upon myself today to print out the ACOG 2010 VBAC recommendations to show to my doctor at my appointment on the 27th (i’m 14 weeks +2 and still haven’t met my doctor). The hospital follows the VBAC guidelines from 1996, and i’m not sure they’re even aware that the college reviewed it’s statements. I have also printed out the ICAN Q&A about what to do when your hospital has “banned” VBAC’s, and a birth plan in which i indicated that i do not consent to cesarean sections unless a fatal medical emergency arises. I will provide links for all 3 at the bottom of this post.
Anyhoo, because of my lack of support from family, and medical professionals, i have been considering a home birth with a midwife, and a Doula, but i am on medicaid, and can’t afford them. So, i was strongly considering an unassisted birth; but now i just don’t know. It’s not so much that i’m doubting myself, it’s more that i want that safety net, and to know that if something goes wrong, that i wont have to risk being caught in a traffic jam or something on the way to the hospital. Of course either way; hospital, or home; i intend to labor at home. I have been thinking about staying home for as long as possible, and getting quite well into my labor before going to the hospital. Yet, at the same time, i’m afraid of the doctors and nurses making the rest of my labor so difficult, and bombarding me with their “recommendations” and “opinions”. I want a nice, peaceful birth. I feel that if they make it stressful for me, that it will stress out the baby, and cause problems, or maybe even a rupture.
Choices like this are very serious, and should only be made with the utmost research on the risks, and benefits of EVERY choice before deciding. I know that i absolutely will NOT budge on what i want for my labor and delivery, but still; in the throws of labor, having everyone try to force interventions on you, telling you everything that “will” go wrong, pulling the dead baby card, yelling at you, etc; that is NOT the kind of environment that is conducive to childbirth, and NOT something the mother needs. *sigh* at least i still have 25 weeks and 5 days to make my final decision, and get to know my doctor.
Luckily, Dr. Neulander is new to the practice. All the doctors are. The hospital decided to get rid of their entire obstetrics team, so NONE of the doctors that were involved in my first two c-sections are there anymore *cue chorus of angels*. Who knows, perhaps he is more supportive of VBAC than these nurses know. I’m not going to know for sure for another week and 2 days. Part of me is excited (mostly because my doctor actually speaks english this time), and the other part is scared of the unknown. Not knowing what this doctor will be like, or what his opinions are on VBAC’s, or natural births altogether.
So, i guess that’s all for now. Nothing much else to write for now. Just needed to vent. I hope everyone has a great day, and a pleasant evening. Bye xoxo
Links:
ACOG 2010 VBAC guidelines:
http://www.acog.org/About_ACOG/News_Room/News_Releases/2010/Ob_Gyns_Issue_Less_Restrictive_VBAC_Guidelines
Exercising your right to refuse. ICAN Q&A:
http://www.ican-online.org/vbac/your-right-refuse-what-do-if-your-hospital-has-banned-vbac-q
Blank birth plan:
http://images.thebump.com/tools/pdfs/birth_plan.pdf
What is a “natural birth” to you?
Pregnancy Hormones
Ah, the depression stage.. Seems to hit sooner in subsequent
pregnancies. I didn’t get any depression or anything with Eragon until
after my milk dried up (the cause of my depression). With Zachary, i
started bursting into tears about anything and everything at around 35
weeks. Part of that however was the fact that me and Skie were living
apart due to having lost our apartment, and neither side of our family
would take us ALL in; so we had to ship Eragon back and forth every few
days. That was the hardest time in our lives so far. I’m just 13 weeks,
and 5 days along, and i just feel so down tonight, i have to choke back
the tears..
I mean, we are under a considerable amount of stress right now. Raising an almost 2 year old, and almost 10 month old, both of us are unemployed, and there’s another baby on the way. The stress is about to get even more so very soon as i am looking to start online college classes, and Skie will be getting a job through Vesid as soon as he gets his voucher for work clothes. It will most likely be manual labor such as laying carpet, or things of the like.
Eragon behaved rather well today. He had a few tantrums here and there, but what two year old doesn’t? It has definitely been an improvement from how he used to behave. Still waiting months, upon months for us to get a call or a letter back about when he will get his evaluation.
He has been doing very well with his speech therapist, and his OT. He can count to 5, name all his colors, say almost the whole alphabet, and speak a few 3 word sentences. Definitely and improvement from him barely saying 5 words just 4 months ago.
Zachary hasn’t really done much more since i posted yesterday lol, The only difference i’ve noticed is that he wasn’t nearly as crabby today as he has been lately. He is such an adorable, happy baby :) Always has the biggest smiles to show to the world :)
You know what else pregnancy hormones do? Cause you to pee niagra falls every 5 minutes.
Sooo… I really don’t have much else to write, but i feel all depressed, and lonely so i don’t really want to stop writing.
I’ve been highly considering getting established with a counselor to manage my depression. The problem is, i’m a chronic procrastinator, and rarely finish anything. But at this point, the way i’m feeling, it seems almost essential. What with my eating problems, my self-image issues, my anxiety, and my depression; i feel as if i’m going to have to give in and see a therapist at some point, if just to function like a normal person. I’d give anything to not have everything make me cry :(
Perhaps helping myself, and solving my own problems, will make me better capable of raising the kids with more patience.
Another drawback to the hormones, is that aside from bouts of moderate to severe depression, they also can cause me to have pretty bad, and angry mood swings. Like, just about anything will piss me off. I get mad at the slightest thing, which causes me to stress out and become anxious. The anxiety, causes another rise in my hormones, making me cry; and headed right back down depression avenue. Fun…
It’s true what they say as well. Depression really does cause fatigue. Also weight gain, bloating, etc. And everything else they mention in the Lunesta commercials.
You know, aside from just being upset at all about my weight, and general appearance; the nurses at the OB clinic sure didn’t do anything to help. Like at my last appointment for example: I have lost 55 lbs since having Zachary, after trying for 5 years to lose a single pound *yay me!*. Anyway, i walk into the clinic, and i swear i walked right into a scene from Mean Girls. The NP, and the LPN walked right up to me, and began commenting on my weight. They stood face-to-face to me, looking at me, but talking to eachother. The conversation went a little something like this:
NP: “Oh my god! look at how much weight she’s lost! Well, only to get knocked up again.” *arms crossed. head tilt*
LPN: “I know! Now she’s just gonna get fat again!” *looks over at NP*
NP: “Yep. Third baby. She’ll never lose that weight.”
Gee, how professional.. Thanx ladies; like i didn’t already hate my body enough. Now i’ve got the people who put me in stirrups, and look in my vagina at every appointment making negative comments about my body, that are not at all medically relevent. I could see if i was severely underweight, or overweight that they might mention a change in diet, but that was just uncalled for. I didn’t know how to react, so i just crossed my arms, looked at the floor, and said “Um, yeah. I guess..”
As you can see, i have a very hard time speaking up for myself. For this exact reason, i am having Skie come to every appointment with me. He knows how i feel about things, and knows what i will consent to, what i wont consent to, and what i can, and cannot be legally forced to do. Since i likely would not speak up for myself when put under pressure like that, i really need him there to be my support system, encourage me to defend myself, and speak up for me when i can’t. I need him right now so much. He has every intention on being there, but i just hope something doesn’t come up on the day of an important appointment, and he’s not there to be my rock. Fingers crossed….
So, i guess that’s all for tonight then. It’s now 12:49 AM, and i need to get off of here. Update again when i have the time. Peace.
I mean, we are under a considerable amount of stress right now. Raising an almost 2 year old, and almost 10 month old, both of us are unemployed, and there’s another baby on the way. The stress is about to get even more so very soon as i am looking to start online college classes, and Skie will be getting a job through Vesid as soon as he gets his voucher for work clothes. It will most likely be manual labor such as laying carpet, or things of the like.
Eragon behaved rather well today. He had a few tantrums here and there, but what two year old doesn’t? It has definitely been an improvement from how he used to behave. Still waiting months, upon months for us to get a call or a letter back about when he will get his evaluation.
He has been doing very well with his speech therapist, and his OT. He can count to 5, name all his colors, say almost the whole alphabet, and speak a few 3 word sentences. Definitely and improvement from him barely saying 5 words just 4 months ago.
Zachary hasn’t really done much more since i posted yesterday lol, The only difference i’ve noticed is that he wasn’t nearly as crabby today as he has been lately. He is such an adorable, happy baby :) Always has the biggest smiles to show to the world :)
You know what else pregnancy hormones do? Cause you to pee niagra falls every 5 minutes.
Sooo… I really don’t have much else to write, but i feel all depressed, and lonely so i don’t really want to stop writing.
I’ve been highly considering getting established with a counselor to manage my depression. The problem is, i’m a chronic procrastinator, and rarely finish anything. But at this point, the way i’m feeling, it seems almost essential. What with my eating problems, my self-image issues, my anxiety, and my depression; i feel as if i’m going to have to give in and see a therapist at some point, if just to function like a normal person. I’d give anything to not have everything make me cry :(
Perhaps helping myself, and solving my own problems, will make me better capable of raising the kids with more patience.
Another drawback to the hormones, is that aside from bouts of moderate to severe depression, they also can cause me to have pretty bad, and angry mood swings. Like, just about anything will piss me off. I get mad at the slightest thing, which causes me to stress out and become anxious. The anxiety, causes another rise in my hormones, making me cry; and headed right back down depression avenue. Fun…
It’s true what they say as well. Depression really does cause fatigue. Also weight gain, bloating, etc. And everything else they mention in the Lunesta commercials.
You know, aside from just being upset at all about my weight, and general appearance; the nurses at the OB clinic sure didn’t do anything to help. Like at my last appointment for example: I have lost 55 lbs since having Zachary, after trying for 5 years to lose a single pound *yay me!*. Anyway, i walk into the clinic, and i swear i walked right into a scene from Mean Girls. The NP, and the LPN walked right up to me, and began commenting on my weight. They stood face-to-face to me, looking at me, but talking to eachother. The conversation went a little something like this:
NP: “Oh my god! look at how much weight she’s lost! Well, only to get knocked up again.” *arms crossed. head tilt*
LPN: “I know! Now she’s just gonna get fat again!” *looks over at NP*
NP: “Yep. Third baby. She’ll never lose that weight.”
Gee, how professional.. Thanx ladies; like i didn’t already hate my body enough. Now i’ve got the people who put me in stirrups, and look in my vagina at every appointment making negative comments about my body, that are not at all medically relevent. I could see if i was severely underweight, or overweight that they might mention a change in diet, but that was just uncalled for. I didn’t know how to react, so i just crossed my arms, looked at the floor, and said “Um, yeah. I guess..”
As you can see, i have a very hard time speaking up for myself. For this exact reason, i am having Skie come to every appointment with me. He knows how i feel about things, and knows what i will consent to, what i wont consent to, and what i can, and cannot be legally forced to do. Since i likely would not speak up for myself when put under pressure like that, i really need him there to be my support system, encourage me to defend myself, and speak up for me when i can’t. I need him right now so much. He has every intention on being there, but i just hope something doesn’t come up on the day of an important appointment, and he’s not there to be my rock. Fingers crossed….
So, i guess that’s all for tonight then. It’s now 12:49 AM, and i need to get off of here. Update again when i have the time. Peace.
Haven't posted in a bit...
So, I’ve definitely gotten behind in my blogging. Not really much to say in that department. I’ve been busy lol.
My pregnancy is going pretty well so far. I actually have morning sickness this time around, so maybe that’s indicative of it being a girl this time? Who knows. I mean, i’ll be happy to have a healthy child either way, but at the same time it’s only natural to have a preference. Having two boys already, i would LOVE to have a little princess to do girly stuff with. What mother doesn’t? I keep telling Skie not to go out and buy boy clothes for the baby just yet, but then i have a hard time myself not buying girls things. Sorry babe, i just have a strong feeling that it’s a girl. Knowing my luck, it’ll turn out to be a boy lol. Anywhoo, i’m 13 weeks and 3 days along now, so i have just 4 days until i am officially in my second trimester, WOOT! It’s getting increasingly more difficult to sleep comfortably. I remember at this stage in my last two pregnancies, i felt just fine. This time around, i am showing already, and bloated as all holy hell!
Aww!! Eragon just did the cutest thing! He came up to me, and said “Ba nigh night! Shhh!” and put his finger up in a “shushing” motion lol! “Ba” means “Vacuum”. He can’t enunciate V’s just yet, so he says “Ba” :) That’s mommy’s funny boy<3 His behaviors have gotten a little worse lately. We are trying to get him in the be evaluated for ASD, and SPD. Other than that, he has been his regular funny self :)
However, my big boy has a big birthday coming up!! Yay!! He’s going to be a whole 2 years old on the 24th!! We’re having his party on the 29th though because most people work during the week, so we chose a saturday. I’m making him a Lightning McQueen cake, getting some chocolate ice cream, making apple pies baked inside the apples, a chicken and broccoli alfredo pizza, and lots of other yummies :) We’re having the party up at my moms house. Lots of room for him, and the other kids coming, to run around. With 77 acres of land, there BETTER be room to play on there lol!!
Zachary has been developing quite well. He’ll be 10 months old on saturday, and has already taken 2 steps unassisted! He is a super-fast crawler too. So fast, we can hardly catch him! I do get a bit frustrated though because a few times, i’ve caught him in the bathroom with his hands in the toilet when Skie was supposed to be watching him. GRRR!!! Needless to say, there was some disinfecting, and baby-proofing going on after that! I can’t really get too upset at Skie for that too since i’ve had my share of parenting blunders. We all have.
Admittedly, he has been SUPER cranky lately. He’s got tooth number 8 coming in, but i don’t think it’s just that. It seems like something more, but i’m not sure what. It’s not easy being an attachment parent. Answering every cry as soon as it occurs, baby-wearing, bed-sharing, etc. It is draining beyond belief. Mostly because i’m pregnant, and in the lethargic stage, but still; it’s hard. My boys deserve it though<3
I’m having a lot of self-image problems lately. After i had Zachary, i started dieting and exercising to no avail. It wasn’t until he was 6 months old that i kicked it into high-gear, and stuck to a strict vegetarian diet of less than 500 calories a day, and an exercise routine of burning NO less than 1500 calories a day. I lost 55 lbs in 3 months. I was feeling alright, but still not happy with my appearance. I was still a LONG way from my goal. I then found out i was pregnant, so i had to stop. After i got so far along, i decided to eat anything, and everything i wanted in hopes that it would make it look like i was showing a little more (i miss my baby belly). Unfortunatly, all it has done it made me look hideously fat despite only gaining 10 lbs. So now my self-esteem has taken a pretty hard left turn, and i’m finding it very hard not to take drastic measures to lose the weight. I’m trying to control myself, and simply be a little more active (i.e. more walking) and eating healthier (i.e. fruits, and veggies. No junk.) That should solve the problem.
Okay, so that’s all i really have to say today. Not much else going on really. Guess i’ll update more either tonight, or tomorrow. Maybe later after that. Okay, bye :)
My pregnancy is going pretty well so far. I actually have morning sickness this time around, so maybe that’s indicative of it being a girl this time? Who knows. I mean, i’ll be happy to have a healthy child either way, but at the same time it’s only natural to have a preference. Having two boys already, i would LOVE to have a little princess to do girly stuff with. What mother doesn’t? I keep telling Skie not to go out and buy boy clothes for the baby just yet, but then i have a hard time myself not buying girls things. Sorry babe, i just have a strong feeling that it’s a girl. Knowing my luck, it’ll turn out to be a boy lol. Anywhoo, i’m 13 weeks and 3 days along now, so i have just 4 days until i am officially in my second trimester, WOOT! It’s getting increasingly more difficult to sleep comfortably. I remember at this stage in my last two pregnancies, i felt just fine. This time around, i am showing already, and bloated as all holy hell!
Aww!! Eragon just did the cutest thing! He came up to me, and said “Ba nigh night! Shhh!” and put his finger up in a “shushing” motion lol! “Ba” means “Vacuum”. He can’t enunciate V’s just yet, so he says “Ba” :) That’s mommy’s funny boy<3 His behaviors have gotten a little worse lately. We are trying to get him in the be evaluated for ASD, and SPD. Other than that, he has been his regular funny self :)
However, my big boy has a big birthday coming up!! Yay!! He’s going to be a whole 2 years old on the 24th!! We’re having his party on the 29th though because most people work during the week, so we chose a saturday. I’m making him a Lightning McQueen cake, getting some chocolate ice cream, making apple pies baked inside the apples, a chicken and broccoli alfredo pizza, and lots of other yummies :) We’re having the party up at my moms house. Lots of room for him, and the other kids coming, to run around. With 77 acres of land, there BETTER be room to play on there lol!!
Zachary has been developing quite well. He’ll be 10 months old on saturday, and has already taken 2 steps unassisted! He is a super-fast crawler too. So fast, we can hardly catch him! I do get a bit frustrated though because a few times, i’ve caught him in the bathroom with his hands in the toilet when Skie was supposed to be watching him. GRRR!!! Needless to say, there was some disinfecting, and baby-proofing going on after that! I can’t really get too upset at Skie for that too since i’ve had my share of parenting blunders. We all have.
Admittedly, he has been SUPER cranky lately. He’s got tooth number 8 coming in, but i don’t think it’s just that. It seems like something more, but i’m not sure what. It’s not easy being an attachment parent. Answering every cry as soon as it occurs, baby-wearing, bed-sharing, etc. It is draining beyond belief. Mostly because i’m pregnant, and in the lethargic stage, but still; it’s hard. My boys deserve it though<3
I’m having a lot of self-image problems lately. After i had Zachary, i started dieting and exercising to no avail. It wasn’t until he was 6 months old that i kicked it into high-gear, and stuck to a strict vegetarian diet of less than 500 calories a day, and an exercise routine of burning NO less than 1500 calories a day. I lost 55 lbs in 3 months. I was feeling alright, but still not happy with my appearance. I was still a LONG way from my goal. I then found out i was pregnant, so i had to stop. After i got so far along, i decided to eat anything, and everything i wanted in hopes that it would make it look like i was showing a little more (i miss my baby belly). Unfortunatly, all it has done it made me look hideously fat despite only gaining 10 lbs. So now my self-esteem has taken a pretty hard left turn, and i’m finding it very hard not to take drastic measures to lose the weight. I’m trying to control myself, and simply be a little more active (i.e. more walking) and eating healthier (i.e. fruits, and veggies. No junk.) That should solve the problem.
Okay, so that’s all i really have to say today. Not much else going on really. Guess i’ll update more either tonight, or tomorrow. Maybe later after that. Okay, bye :)
Here's a bit to get to know my past
I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile. Having several journals that
were either destroyed by vindictive mother-in-laws, lost through
moving, or otherwise never followed through upon; i really need this
space. My own relm. The venting of my frustrations, the sharing of daily
joys, the bragging about my children, and a world all my own, where I
make the rules for once. Let me begin..
My name is Tyler, and i am 19 years old, and a mother of two boys and pregnant with my third child (gender unknown). They all have the same father, who is my fiance. I was brought into this world on October 26th, 1992 by my loving mother Louella. I have two older sisters, and 1 younger sister (only one of which is my mothers other biological child). My father has never been active in my life, and for that i’m not really one to complain. I mean, every time he was around, he was either drinking with me in the car, showing me off in bars, or leaving me in the car for hours so he could drink in the bar when i had yet to hit double digits in my age.
We moved around a bit, though not as much as others have. I only changed schools 4 times, one of those being the transition from elementary to middle/high school. I was never what you would consider “cool” or even liked by generally the entire school population, which i was fine with. Being the lone goth kid was kind of my staple. At lease it meant i wasn’t a zombie. Many of the “popular” girls and boys would only ever talk to me, and ask me questions to laugh at my response. I knew what they were doing, but i really didn’t care. They were the ones with nothing better to do. Sure, i had a small group of friends. We were all very close, and i still keep in touch with many of them, but i always felt at peace when alone. Perhaps i’m just introverted. Or inherently bizarre.
Boys were never much of a concern for me. In fact, i encountered my first boyfriend when i wasn’t even trying. We were in art class one day, at the tender age of 12 . He was dating an acquaintance of mine (who is now my friend), and i was drawing a ficus. On that day, he decided he wanted to date the new girl (me). That being said, he broke up with her, and asked me out 20 minutes later. Having never been interested in by a boy before, all i could think of to blurt out was “Sure!” And there began the 4 year on-and-off relationship that pretty much cemented my dating life.
After a bit of thinking about my answer, i went over to my then-acquaintance, and talked to her about it. We cleared everything up, and she wasn’t mad because after all, they had dated for less than a week, and did not have strong feelings for him, but preferred them to be friends *phew!* I am definitely glad that something so trivial didn’t break up a good friendship. Later that school year, me and my then-boyfriends sister became friends. She is now my best friend in the world, and about as close to being a sister as anyone non-biological person i have ever known. I honestly don’t know how i would have gotten through high school without her.
4 years of dating this boy on and off. As hard as he tried to move things further, i just wasn’t ready. At age 15, i met who would become my 3rd boyfriend (i dated someone for a short time between my first boyfriend, and him). Me, and my first boyfriend had finally broken up for good because he cheated on me, then left me for the whore. Anyway, this boy was really something. I had a big crush on him, but didn’t dare tell him that because he was popular. And me, the fat goth kid, would never have a chance with the tall, handsome, muscular jock that everybody was friends with. I told my best friend (first bf’s sister) that i liked this guy. Well, they just happened to ride the same school bus, so she decided to spill the beans (gotta love her). The next morning, at school breakfast, he sat down next to me and just smiled. I say to him “You know, don’t you..” And he said “Yep.” and continued smiling. My friend comes up behind me, and i slap her arm in a friendly manner (all our friends were quite violent with one another. But it’s cool, because that was just our way.) So, after is turned 16 we began dating. I met his parents, he met my mother, and we went out on several dates. He had a job, a great sense of humor, was multi-talanted, and liked me! I couldn’t beileve it! I fell fast, and hard as young people do. Things escalated at a moderate rate, and about a month or two into our relationship, i lost my virginity to him. Ah… Every teen girls dream. To pop her cherry on the bottom half of a bunk-bed while watching “Enchanted”. How was it? Well, let’s just say i paid a little more attention to the movie (BUUUUURRRRNNNN!!!!). Needless to say, we lasted for about 2 1/2 more months due to him cheating on me twice (once with his ex, and once with a “friend” of mine), and dumping me over the phone (pussy).
I fell into a deep depression after the breakup. I had had a history of cutting myself since i was 12 years old, but this just made it worse. A few months later (about 2), i met this older guy. He was 18, so i just thought that was SOOOO cool. I actually wasn’t looking to date anyone because i was still vulnerable from my recent break-up. But he must have sensed that, because he sought me out directly. We were hanging out with a long-time best friend of mine, and she introduced us. At one point during the night, he decided he needed to go to the corner store, and said “Someone come with me. Ummm…. You!” and pointed right at me. I was like “Okay, why not?” Not thinking anything of it (i was naive) i went with him. Half way to the store, he put his arm around me. I was a bit confused, until he turned to me, stopped walking, and just kissed me right there. Gosh he was cute! I was taken aback. Completely shocked that anyone would pursue me. Being in the vulnerable state i was, it took me all of a millisecond to accept his offer to date me. I am not proud of the things i did while with him. I was so desperate for someone to love me, that i jumped into the sexual aspect all of one day after; and now that i look back, i am disgusted and ashamed at that. We only dated for a few weeks, but it didn’t take him long to become violent, and then refuse to stop during a session of sex when i told him no. To which he decided to dump me as soon as he was finished. Asshat. This was the second sexual abuse i had survived through. The first being a very close adult figure when i was only 8 years old. To protect certain parties (not the molester, but other people) i will not disclose how i knew this man. But let’s just say i was 8, and he was 52.
After all of these events, still in the span of my 16th year, i dated two more people for a few weeks (not at the same time). In September of that year (2009) i met someone new. Someone different. His name is Skie. He was one of my friends’ cousins, and i met him at her house (he was living with them) while we were getting ready for homecoming. I thought he was just about the most gorgeous man i had ever seen in my life. Yes, i said man. He was 32. Did i care? No, and i still don’t. Age is just a number (as long as you follow the law). It wasn’t until a few days later that my friend came to me, and told me that her cousin Skie said he thought i was very beautiful. Well, being that i already liked him, i just about went through the roof with excitement!! We never really said more than a couple words to eachother until their Halloween party the next month. By that time, my 17th birthday had just passed, and i was finally legal! Free to date whoever i wanted without fear of that person being arrested or jailed (i live in New York state. 17 is the legal age of consent here.) At this party, my ex boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend (my first boyfriend). It didn’t really phase me because by that time i had been over him for awhile, and we managed to remain good friends. Me and Skie began talking, and discovered we had a lot in common. We both loved the same music, the same movies, the same clothes, tv shows, websites, and just about everything else. Curious to find out we were both also Wiccan. How about that! Still, we were just friends for awhile after that. It wasn’t until November 16th that our frequent conversations up to that point finally got down the the real deal. He actually pursued me, and asked me if i wanted to date him. I told him yes. This time, i knew it would be different. This man was not the same as my ex’s. He had something different. Not only was he the most attractive out of all of them, but he possessed something they didn’t. A heart. He was sensitive, deep-thinking, quiet, polite, and always there to help anyone with anything. I knew this was someone i couldn’t let slip away. We dated for several weeks just in the euphoric phase which was wearing off. We spent so much time together, nearly every day in fact, everything was perfect. Not long after the euphoria wore off, we took it to the next step and became sexual. This was different too. Instead of just going for it, he asked. He was so sweet to me, and asked if i was absolutely sure i wanted to do this, and if i was ready. And i said yes. Things were still wonderful. A few weeks later, we were kissing, and cuddling together. He stopped, and looked at me. I asked him what was wrong, and he said “Nothing. But i think i’m falling in love with you.” I answered with a less than hesitant “I’m falling in love with you too!” And started kissing him more. He pulled away from me again (i guess he thought i only said it in the heat of the moment), and said “No, i’m serious.” I stopped, looked into his eyes, and said “I am too.” And i guess you can figure out what happened then lol.
We dated for a bit after that, and my mom found out we were having sex. She knew he wasn’t my first, but she still flipped out. To make a very, very, very, very long story short; she ended up putting me on pins, sending me to a foster home, and trying to keep us apart. That however didn’t work because i was above the legal age, and there was nothing she could do about it. Anyhow, we decided around that time that we loved each other so much, we wanted to share that love with a child. Yes, at this time i was still 17, and he had turned 33. I became pregnant upon 1 try of us stopping protection. Also, he had proposed to me LOOOOONNNGGGG before we ever decided to have a child, so that was already established. And of course, i said yes :) My mom finally stopped trying to keep us apart, and accepted our relationship (we are all now very close, and she likes him a lot). 37 weeks later, on Sept. 24th 2010 i gave birth by unplanned c-section to our beautiful son who we named Eragon-Nathanial Adrien Octavius Mcbee. He will now be 2 years old in a few weeks :)
A month later, after my 18th birthday, i had to have my gall bladder removed due to it being loaded with stones. After this, i ended up in the hospital with terrible abdominal pains. There, i was told i had an infection in my uterus, and would never be able to conceive another child. We were absolutely devastated. After this diagnosis, we stopped our birth control methods figuring “What’s the point?” Well, it didn’t take long after that for me to get a positive pregnancy test! Eragon was only 4 months old!
Right then, i started planning to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Ceserean) because there was no-way i wanted to go through that agony and torture of a c-section recovery again. I found a care provider who was supportive, and had everything planned out for the whole 39 weeks. That is, until i had a sizing scan at 39 weeks, and it was determined that due to low fluid levels, the baby had to come out right then, but induction was too dangerous. Unbeknownst to me, he was full of shit. So, being uninformed as i was, we ended up having him that day. November 15th, 2011 our second son Zachary-Ryan Rain Joseph Mcbee was born. The irony being his birth was the day before mine and Skie’s 2nd anniversary :) So, things have been going since then.
Eragons 2nd birthday is in a few weeks, my 20th birthday follows, and then Zachary’s first birthday is a month after mine (Skie’s birthday isn’t until June 28th.) We are all still currently living together. We are not yet married (don’t plan on that happening for awhile), and i am 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our third child, due March 17th :) And believe me, we were NOT planning this pregnancy. I was on birth control, and we were tracking my cycle, but you know how things are. He, or she was just meant to be here :) Oh, and i am planning a HBA2C.
Now, as i’m sure you know, this is not everything that has happened in the past 3 years. I have left quite a bit out due to unimportance, irrelevance, or being something i simply do not wish to share. I don’t think i would ever have the time to sit and write everything lol, but you pretty much get the gist of my life so far. So, this is me. This is my life so far, and i wouldn’t change it for anything. I love my fiance, and our children more than life itself, and we have a very strong support system. I shall be posting (hopefully) at least once a day. Probably at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed so i actually have time to sit and write without hearing “Mama! Mama! Mama! Waaahhh!!! Waaahh!!! Wahhh!!! Babe, get the diapers!!! Oh my god, somethings on fire!!!” lol XD Oh well, that’s life. This is what we wanted, and we’re just taking it one day at a time<3
-Tyler
My name is Tyler, and i am 19 years old, and a mother of two boys and pregnant with my third child (gender unknown). They all have the same father, who is my fiance. I was brought into this world on October 26th, 1992 by my loving mother Louella. I have two older sisters, and 1 younger sister (only one of which is my mothers other biological child). My father has never been active in my life, and for that i’m not really one to complain. I mean, every time he was around, he was either drinking with me in the car, showing me off in bars, or leaving me in the car for hours so he could drink in the bar when i had yet to hit double digits in my age.
We moved around a bit, though not as much as others have. I only changed schools 4 times, one of those being the transition from elementary to middle/high school. I was never what you would consider “cool” or even liked by generally the entire school population, which i was fine with. Being the lone goth kid was kind of my staple. At lease it meant i wasn’t a zombie. Many of the “popular” girls and boys would only ever talk to me, and ask me questions to laugh at my response. I knew what they were doing, but i really didn’t care. They were the ones with nothing better to do. Sure, i had a small group of friends. We were all very close, and i still keep in touch with many of them, but i always felt at peace when alone. Perhaps i’m just introverted. Or inherently bizarre.
Boys were never much of a concern for me. In fact, i encountered my first boyfriend when i wasn’t even trying. We were in art class one day, at the tender age of 12 . He was dating an acquaintance of mine (who is now my friend), and i was drawing a ficus. On that day, he decided he wanted to date the new girl (me). That being said, he broke up with her, and asked me out 20 minutes later. Having never been interested in by a boy before, all i could think of to blurt out was “Sure!” And there began the 4 year on-and-off relationship that pretty much cemented my dating life.
After a bit of thinking about my answer, i went over to my then-acquaintance, and talked to her about it. We cleared everything up, and she wasn’t mad because after all, they had dated for less than a week, and did not have strong feelings for him, but preferred them to be friends *phew!* I am definitely glad that something so trivial didn’t break up a good friendship. Later that school year, me and my then-boyfriends sister became friends. She is now my best friend in the world, and about as close to being a sister as anyone non-biological person i have ever known. I honestly don’t know how i would have gotten through high school without her.
4 years of dating this boy on and off. As hard as he tried to move things further, i just wasn’t ready. At age 15, i met who would become my 3rd boyfriend (i dated someone for a short time between my first boyfriend, and him). Me, and my first boyfriend had finally broken up for good because he cheated on me, then left me for the whore. Anyway, this boy was really something. I had a big crush on him, but didn’t dare tell him that because he was popular. And me, the fat goth kid, would never have a chance with the tall, handsome, muscular jock that everybody was friends with. I told my best friend (first bf’s sister) that i liked this guy. Well, they just happened to ride the same school bus, so she decided to spill the beans (gotta love her). The next morning, at school breakfast, he sat down next to me and just smiled. I say to him “You know, don’t you..” And he said “Yep.” and continued smiling. My friend comes up behind me, and i slap her arm in a friendly manner (all our friends were quite violent with one another. But it’s cool, because that was just our way.) So, after is turned 16 we began dating. I met his parents, he met my mother, and we went out on several dates. He had a job, a great sense of humor, was multi-talanted, and liked me! I couldn’t beileve it! I fell fast, and hard as young people do. Things escalated at a moderate rate, and about a month or two into our relationship, i lost my virginity to him. Ah… Every teen girls dream. To pop her cherry on the bottom half of a bunk-bed while watching “Enchanted”. How was it? Well, let’s just say i paid a little more attention to the movie (BUUUUURRRRNNNN!!!!). Needless to say, we lasted for about 2 1/2 more months due to him cheating on me twice (once with his ex, and once with a “friend” of mine), and dumping me over the phone (pussy).
I fell into a deep depression after the breakup. I had had a history of cutting myself since i was 12 years old, but this just made it worse. A few months later (about 2), i met this older guy. He was 18, so i just thought that was SOOOO cool. I actually wasn’t looking to date anyone because i was still vulnerable from my recent break-up. But he must have sensed that, because he sought me out directly. We were hanging out with a long-time best friend of mine, and she introduced us. At one point during the night, he decided he needed to go to the corner store, and said “Someone come with me. Ummm…. You!” and pointed right at me. I was like “Okay, why not?” Not thinking anything of it (i was naive) i went with him. Half way to the store, he put his arm around me. I was a bit confused, until he turned to me, stopped walking, and just kissed me right there. Gosh he was cute! I was taken aback. Completely shocked that anyone would pursue me. Being in the vulnerable state i was, it took me all of a millisecond to accept his offer to date me. I am not proud of the things i did while with him. I was so desperate for someone to love me, that i jumped into the sexual aspect all of one day after; and now that i look back, i am disgusted and ashamed at that. We only dated for a few weeks, but it didn’t take him long to become violent, and then refuse to stop during a session of sex when i told him no. To which he decided to dump me as soon as he was finished. Asshat. This was the second sexual abuse i had survived through. The first being a very close adult figure when i was only 8 years old. To protect certain parties (not the molester, but other people) i will not disclose how i knew this man. But let’s just say i was 8, and he was 52.
After all of these events, still in the span of my 16th year, i dated two more people for a few weeks (not at the same time). In September of that year (2009) i met someone new. Someone different. His name is Skie. He was one of my friends’ cousins, and i met him at her house (he was living with them) while we were getting ready for homecoming. I thought he was just about the most gorgeous man i had ever seen in my life. Yes, i said man. He was 32. Did i care? No, and i still don’t. Age is just a number (as long as you follow the law). It wasn’t until a few days later that my friend came to me, and told me that her cousin Skie said he thought i was very beautiful. Well, being that i already liked him, i just about went through the roof with excitement!! We never really said more than a couple words to eachother until their Halloween party the next month. By that time, my 17th birthday had just passed, and i was finally legal! Free to date whoever i wanted without fear of that person being arrested or jailed (i live in New York state. 17 is the legal age of consent here.) At this party, my ex boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend (my first boyfriend). It didn’t really phase me because by that time i had been over him for awhile, and we managed to remain good friends. Me and Skie began talking, and discovered we had a lot in common. We both loved the same music, the same movies, the same clothes, tv shows, websites, and just about everything else. Curious to find out we were both also Wiccan. How about that! Still, we were just friends for awhile after that. It wasn’t until November 16th that our frequent conversations up to that point finally got down the the real deal. He actually pursued me, and asked me if i wanted to date him. I told him yes. This time, i knew it would be different. This man was not the same as my ex’s. He had something different. Not only was he the most attractive out of all of them, but he possessed something they didn’t. A heart. He was sensitive, deep-thinking, quiet, polite, and always there to help anyone with anything. I knew this was someone i couldn’t let slip away. We dated for several weeks just in the euphoric phase which was wearing off. We spent so much time together, nearly every day in fact, everything was perfect. Not long after the euphoria wore off, we took it to the next step and became sexual. This was different too. Instead of just going for it, he asked. He was so sweet to me, and asked if i was absolutely sure i wanted to do this, and if i was ready. And i said yes. Things were still wonderful. A few weeks later, we were kissing, and cuddling together. He stopped, and looked at me. I asked him what was wrong, and he said “Nothing. But i think i’m falling in love with you.” I answered with a less than hesitant “I’m falling in love with you too!” And started kissing him more. He pulled away from me again (i guess he thought i only said it in the heat of the moment), and said “No, i’m serious.” I stopped, looked into his eyes, and said “I am too.” And i guess you can figure out what happened then lol.
We dated for a bit after that, and my mom found out we were having sex. She knew he wasn’t my first, but she still flipped out. To make a very, very, very, very long story short; she ended up putting me on pins, sending me to a foster home, and trying to keep us apart. That however didn’t work because i was above the legal age, and there was nothing she could do about it. Anyhow, we decided around that time that we loved each other so much, we wanted to share that love with a child. Yes, at this time i was still 17, and he had turned 33. I became pregnant upon 1 try of us stopping protection. Also, he had proposed to me LOOOOONNNGGGG before we ever decided to have a child, so that was already established. And of course, i said yes :) My mom finally stopped trying to keep us apart, and accepted our relationship (we are all now very close, and she likes him a lot). 37 weeks later, on Sept. 24th 2010 i gave birth by unplanned c-section to our beautiful son who we named Eragon-Nathanial Adrien Octavius Mcbee. He will now be 2 years old in a few weeks :)
A month later, after my 18th birthday, i had to have my gall bladder removed due to it being loaded with stones. After this, i ended up in the hospital with terrible abdominal pains. There, i was told i had an infection in my uterus, and would never be able to conceive another child. We were absolutely devastated. After this diagnosis, we stopped our birth control methods figuring “What’s the point?” Well, it didn’t take long after that for me to get a positive pregnancy test! Eragon was only 4 months old!
Right then, i started planning to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Ceserean) because there was no-way i wanted to go through that agony and torture of a c-section recovery again. I found a care provider who was supportive, and had everything planned out for the whole 39 weeks. That is, until i had a sizing scan at 39 weeks, and it was determined that due to low fluid levels, the baby had to come out right then, but induction was too dangerous. Unbeknownst to me, he was full of shit. So, being uninformed as i was, we ended up having him that day. November 15th, 2011 our second son Zachary-Ryan Rain Joseph Mcbee was born. The irony being his birth was the day before mine and Skie’s 2nd anniversary :) So, things have been going since then.
Eragons 2nd birthday is in a few weeks, my 20th birthday follows, and then Zachary’s first birthday is a month after mine (Skie’s birthday isn’t until June 28th.) We are all still currently living together. We are not yet married (don’t plan on that happening for awhile), and i am 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our third child, due March 17th :) And believe me, we were NOT planning this pregnancy. I was on birth control, and we were tracking my cycle, but you know how things are. He, or she was just meant to be here :) Oh, and i am planning a HBA2C.
Now, as i’m sure you know, this is not everything that has happened in the past 3 years. I have left quite a bit out due to unimportance, irrelevance, or being something i simply do not wish to share. I don’t think i would ever have the time to sit and write everything lol, but you pretty much get the gist of my life so far. So, this is me. This is my life so far, and i wouldn’t change it for anything. I love my fiance, and our children more than life itself, and we have a very strong support system. I shall be posting (hopefully) at least once a day. Probably at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed so i actually have time to sit and write without hearing “Mama! Mama! Mama! Waaahhh!!! Waaahh!!! Wahhh!!! Babe, get the diapers!!! Oh my god, somethings on fire!!!” lol XD Oh well, that’s life. This is what we wanted, and we’re just taking it one day at a time<3
-Tyler
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