Pregnancy Hormones

Ah, the depression stage.. Seems to hit sooner in subsequent pregnancies. I didn’t get any depression or anything with Eragon until after my milk dried up (the cause of my depression). With Zachary, i started bursting into tears about anything and everything at around 35 weeks. Part of that however was the fact that me and Skie were living apart due to having lost our apartment, and neither side of our family would take us ALL in; so we had to ship Eragon back and forth every few days. That was the hardest time in our lives so far. I’m just 13 weeks, and 5 days along, and i just feel so down tonight, i have to choke back the tears..
I mean, we are under a considerable amount of stress right now. Raising an almost 2 year old, and almost 10 month old, both of us are unemployed, and there’s another baby on the way. The stress is about to get even more so very soon as i am looking to start online college classes, and Skie will be getting a job through Vesid as soon as he gets his voucher for work clothes. It will most likely be manual labor such as laying carpet, or things of the like.
Eragon behaved rather well today. He had a few tantrums here and there, but what two year old doesn’t? It has definitely been an improvement from how he used to behave. Still waiting months, upon months for us to get a call or a letter back about when he will get his evaluation.
He has been doing very well with his speech therapist, and his OT. He can count to 5, name all his colors, say almost the whole alphabet, and speak a few 3 word sentences. Definitely and improvement from him barely saying 5 words just 4 months ago.
Zachary hasn’t really done much more since i posted yesterday lol, The only difference i’ve noticed is that he wasn’t nearly as crabby today as he has been lately. He is such an adorable, happy baby :) Always has the biggest smiles to show to the world :)
You know what else pregnancy hormones do? Cause you to pee niagra falls every 5 minutes.
Sooo… I really don’t have much else to write, but i feel all depressed, and lonely so i don’t really want to stop writing.
I’ve been highly considering getting established with a counselor to manage my depression. The problem is, i’m a chronic procrastinator, and rarely finish anything. But at this point, the way i’m feeling, it seems almost essential. What with my eating problems, my self-image issues, my anxiety, and my depression; i feel as if i’m going to have to give in and see a therapist at some point, if just to function like a normal person. I’d give anything to not have everything make me cry :(
Perhaps helping myself, and solving my own problems, will make me better capable of raising the kids with more patience.
Another drawback to the hormones, is that aside from bouts of moderate to severe depression, they also can cause me to have pretty bad, and angry mood swings. Like, just about anything will piss me off. I get mad at the slightest thing, which causes me to stress out and become anxious. The anxiety, causes another rise in my hormones, making me cry; and headed right back down depression avenue. Fun…
It’s true what they say as well. Depression really does cause fatigue. Also weight gain, bloating, etc. And everything else they mention in the Lunesta commercials.
You know, aside from just being upset at all about my weight, and general appearance; the nurses at the OB clinic sure didn’t do anything to help. Like at my last appointment for example: I have lost 55 lbs since having Zachary, after trying for 5 years to lose a single pound *yay me!*. Anyway, i walk into the clinic, and i swear i walked right into a scene from Mean Girls. The NP, and the LPN walked right up to me, and began commenting on my weight. They stood face-to-face to me, looking at me, but talking to eachother. The conversation went a little something like this:
NP: “Oh my god! look at how much weight she’s lost! Well, only to get knocked up again.” *arms crossed. head tilt*
LPN: “I know! Now she’s just gonna get fat again!” *looks over at NP*
NP: “Yep. Third baby. She’ll never lose that weight.”
Gee, how professional.. Thanx ladies; like i didn’t already hate my body enough. Now i’ve got the people who put me in stirrups, and look in my vagina at every appointment making negative comments about my body, that are not at all medically relevent. I could see if i was severely underweight, or overweight that they might mention a change in diet, but that was just uncalled for. I didn’t know how to react, so i just crossed my arms, looked at the floor, and said “Um, yeah. I guess..”
As you can see, i have a very hard time speaking up for myself. For this exact reason, i am having Skie come to every appointment with me. He knows how i feel about things, and knows what i will consent to, what i wont consent to, and what i can, and cannot be legally forced to do. Since i likely would not speak up for myself when put under pressure like that, i really need him there to be my support system, encourage me to defend myself, and speak up for me when i can’t. I need him right now so much. He has every intention on being there, but i just hope something doesn’t come up on the day of an important appointment, and he’s not there to be my rock. Fingers crossed….
So, i guess that’s all for tonight then. It’s now 12:49 AM, and i need to get off of here. Update again when i have the time. Peace.