I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile. Having several journals that
were either destroyed by vindictive mother-in-laws, lost through
moving, or otherwise never followed through upon; i really need this
space. My own relm. The venting of my frustrations, the sharing of daily
joys, the bragging about my children, and a world all my own, where I
make the rules for once. Let me begin..
My name is Tyler, and i am 19 years old, and a mother of two boys and
pregnant with my third child (gender unknown). They all have the same
father, who is my fiance. I was brought into this world on October 26th,
1992 by my loving mother Louella. I have two older sisters, and 1
younger sister (only one of which is my mothers other biological child).
My father has never been active in my life, and for that i’m not really
one to complain. I mean, every time he was around, he was either
drinking with me in the car, showing me off in bars, or leaving me in
the car for hours so he could drink in the bar when i had yet to hit
double digits in my age.
We moved around a bit, though not as much as others have. I only
changed schools 4 times, one of those being the transition from
elementary to middle/high school. I was never what you would consider
“cool” or even liked by generally the entire school population, which i
was fine with. Being the lone goth kid was kind of my staple. At lease
it meant i wasn’t a zombie. Many of the “popular” girls and boys would
only ever talk to me, and ask me questions to laugh at my response. I
knew what they were doing, but i really didn’t care. They were the ones
with nothing better to do. Sure, i had a small group of friends. We were
all very close, and i still keep in touch with many of them, but i
always felt at peace when alone. Perhaps i’m just introverted. Or
inherently bizarre.
Boys were never much of a concern for me. In fact, i encountered my
first boyfriend when i wasn’t even trying. We were in art class one day,
at the tender age of 12 . He was dating an acquaintance of mine (who is
now my friend), and i was drawing a ficus. On that day, he decided he
wanted to date the new girl (me). That being said, he broke up with her,
and asked me out 20 minutes later. Having never been interested in by a
boy before, all i could think of to blurt out was “Sure!” And there
began the 4 year on-and-off relationship that pretty much cemented my
dating life.
After a bit of thinking about my answer, i went over to my
then-acquaintance, and talked to her about it. We cleared everything up,
and she wasn’t mad because after all, they had dated for less than a
week, and did not have strong feelings for him, but preferred them to be
friends *phew!* I am definitely glad that something so trivial didn’t
break up a good friendship. Later that school year, me and my
then-boyfriends sister became friends. She is now my best friend in the
world, and about as close to being a sister as anyone non-biological
person i have ever known. I honestly don’t know how i would have gotten
through high school without her.
4 years of dating this boy on and off. As hard as he tried to move
things further, i just wasn’t ready. At age 15, i met who would become
my 3rd boyfriend (i dated someone for a short time between my first
boyfriend, and him). Me, and my first boyfriend had finally broken up
for good because he cheated on me, then left me for the whore. Anyway,
this boy was really something. I had a big crush on him, but didn’t dare
tell him that because he was popular. And me, the fat goth kid, would
never have a chance with the tall, handsome, muscular jock that
everybody was friends with. I told my best friend (first bf’s sister)
that i liked this guy. Well, they just happened to ride the same school
bus, so she decided to spill the beans (gotta love her). The next
morning, at school breakfast, he sat down next to me and just smiled. I
say to him “You know, don’t you..” And he said “Yep.” and continued
smiling. My friend comes up behind me, and i slap her arm in a friendly
manner (all our friends were quite violent with one another. But it’s
cool, because that was just our way.) So, after is turned 16 we began
dating. I met his parents, he met my mother, and we went out on several
dates. He had a job, a great sense of humor, was multi-talanted, and
liked me! I couldn’t beileve it! I fell fast, and hard as young people
do. Things escalated at a moderate rate, and about a month or two into
our relationship, i lost my virginity to him. Ah… Every teen girls
dream. To pop her cherry on the bottom half of a bunk-bed while watching
“Enchanted”. How was it? Well, let’s just say i paid a little more
attention to the movie (BUUUUURRRRNNNN!!!!). Needless to say, we lasted
for about 2 1/2 more months due to him cheating on me twice (once with
his ex, and once with a “friend” of mine), and dumping me over the phone
(pussy).
I fell into a deep depression after the breakup. I had had a history
of cutting myself since i was 12 years old, but this just made it worse.
A few months later (about 2), i met this older guy. He was 18, so i
just thought that was SOOOO cool. I actually wasn’t looking to date
anyone because i was still vulnerable from my recent break-up. But he
must have sensed that, because he sought me out directly. We were
hanging out with a long-time best friend of mine, and she introduced us.
At one point during the night, he decided he needed to go to the corner
store, and said “Someone come with me. Ummm…. You!” and pointed right
at me. I was like “Okay, why not?” Not thinking anything of it (i was
naive) i went with him. Half way to the store, he put his arm around me.
I was a bit confused, until he turned to me, stopped walking, and just
kissed me right there. Gosh he was cute! I was taken aback. Completely
shocked that anyone would pursue me. Being in the vulnerable state i
was, it took me all of a millisecond to accept his offer to date me. I
am not proud of the things i did while with him. I was so desperate for
someone to love me, that i jumped into the sexual aspect all of one day
after; and now that i look back, i am disgusted and ashamed at that. We
only dated for a few weeks, but it didn’t take him long to become
violent, and then refuse to stop during a session of sex when i told him
no. To which he decided to dump me as soon as he was finished. Asshat.
This was the second sexual abuse i had survived through. The first being
a very close adult figure when i was only 8 years old. To protect
certain parties (not the molester, but other people) i will not disclose
how i knew this man. But let’s just say i was 8, and he was 52.
After all of these events, still in the span of my 16th year, i dated
two more people for a few weeks (not at the same time). In September of
that year (2009) i met someone new. Someone different. His name is
Skie. He was one of my friends’ cousins, and i met him at her house (he
was living with them) while we were getting ready for homecoming. I
thought he was just about the most gorgeous man i had ever seen in my
life. Yes, i said man. He was 32. Did i care? No, and i still don’t. Age
is just a number (as long as you follow the law). It wasn’t until a few
days later that my friend came to me, and told me that her cousin Skie
said he thought i was very beautiful. Well, being that i already liked
him, i just about went through the roof with excitement!! We never
really said more than a couple words to eachother until their Halloween
party the next month. By that time, my 17th birthday had just passed,
and i was finally legal! Free to date whoever i wanted without fear of
that person being arrested or jailed (i live in New York state. 17 is
the legal age of consent here.) At this party, my ex boyfriend was there
with his new girlfriend (my first boyfriend). It didn’t really phase me
because by that time i had been over him for awhile, and we managed to
remain good friends. Me and Skie began talking, and discovered we had a
lot in common. We both loved the same music, the same movies, the same
clothes, tv shows, websites, and just about everything else. Curious to
find out we were both also Wiccan. How about that! Still, we were just
friends for awhile after that. It wasn’t until November 16th that our
frequent conversations up to that point finally got down the the real
deal. He actually pursued me, and asked me if i wanted to date him. I
told him yes. This time, i knew it would be different. This man was not
the same as my ex’s. He had something different. Not only was he the
most attractive out of all of them, but he possessed something they
didn’t. A heart. He was sensitive, deep-thinking, quiet, polite, and
always there to help anyone with anything. I knew this was someone i
couldn’t let slip away. We dated for several weeks just in the euphoric
phase which was wearing off. We spent so much time together, nearly
every day in fact, everything was perfect. Not long after the euphoria
wore off, we took it to the next step and became sexual. This was
different too. Instead of just going for it, he asked. He was so sweet
to me, and asked if i was absolutely sure i wanted to do this, and if i
was ready. And i said yes. Things were still wonderful. A few weeks
later, we were kissing, and cuddling together. He stopped, and looked at
me. I asked him what was wrong, and he said “Nothing. But i think i’m
falling in love with you.” I answered with a less than hesitant “I’m
falling in love with you too!” And started kissing him more. He pulled
away from me again (i guess he thought i only said it in the heat of the
moment), and said “No, i’m serious.” I stopped, looked into his eyes,
and said “I am too.” And i guess you can figure out what happened then
lol.
We dated for a bit after that, and my mom found out we were having
sex. She knew he wasn’t my first, but she still flipped out. To make a
very, very, very, very long story short; she ended up putting me on
pins, sending me to a foster home, and trying to keep us apart. That
however didn’t work because i was above the legal age, and there was
nothing she could do about it. Anyhow, we decided around that time that
we loved each other so much, we wanted to share that love with a child.
Yes, at this time i was still 17, and he had turned 33. I became
pregnant upon 1 try of us stopping protection. Also, he had proposed to
me LOOOOONNNGGGG before we ever decided to have a child, so that was
already established. And of course, i said yes :) My mom finally stopped
trying to keep us apart, and accepted our relationship (we are all now
very close, and she likes him a lot). 37 weeks later, on Sept. 24th 2010
i gave birth by unplanned c-section to our beautiful son who we named
Eragon-Nathanial Adrien Octavius Mcbee. He will now be 2 years old in a
few weeks :)
A month later, after my 18th birthday, i had to have my gall bladder
removed due to it being loaded with stones. After this, i ended up in
the hospital with terrible abdominal pains. There, i was told i had an
infection in my uterus, and would never be able to conceive another
child. We were absolutely devastated. After this diagnosis, we stopped
our birth control methods figuring “What’s the point?” Well, it didn’t
take long after that for me to get a positive pregnancy test! Eragon was
only 4 months old!
Right then, i started planning to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After
Ceserean) because there was no-way i wanted to go through that agony and
torture of a c-section recovery again. I found a care provider who was
supportive, and had everything planned out for the whole 39 weeks. That
is, until i had a sizing scan at 39 weeks, and it was determined that
due to low fluid levels, the baby had to come out right then, but
induction was too dangerous. Unbeknownst to me, he was full of shit. So,
being uninformed as i was, we ended up having him that day. November
15th, 2011 our second son Zachary-Ryan Rain Joseph Mcbee was born. The
irony being his birth was the day before mine and Skie’s 2nd anniversary
:) So, things have been going since then.
Eragons 2nd birthday is in a few weeks, my 20th birthday follows, and
then Zachary’s first birthday is a month after mine (Skie’s birthday
isn’t until June 28th.) We are all still currently living together. We
are not yet married (don’t plan on that happening for awhile), and i am
11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our third child, due March 17th :) And
believe me, we were NOT planning this pregnancy. I was on birth
control, and we were tracking my cycle, but you know how things are. He,
or she was just meant to be here :) Oh, and i am planning a HBA2C.
Now, as i’m sure you know, this is not everything that has happened
in the past 3 years. I have left quite a bit out due to unimportance,
irrelevance, or being something i simply do not wish to share. I don’t
think i would ever have the time to sit and write everything lol, but
you pretty much get the gist of my life so far. So, this is me. This is
my life so far, and i wouldn’t change it for anything. I love my fiance,
and our children more than life itself, and we have a very strong
support system. I shall be posting (hopefully) at least once a day.
Probably at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed so i actually
have time to sit and write without hearing “Mama! Mama! Mama! Waaahhh!!!
Waaahh!!! Wahhh!!! Babe, get the diapers!!! Oh my god, somethings on
fire!!!” lol XD Oh well, that’s life. This is what we wanted, and we’re
just taking it one day at a time<3
-Tyler
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