Argh! Haven’t posted in a bit!
So, a few things have been going on. For one, Eragon just turned two
on the 24th *yay!!* His party is tomorrow, and i have been practically
KILLING myself getting ready for it! A home-made lightning McQueen cake,
Pizza, chicken & spinach fajitas, a make your own sunday station,
balloons, streamers, and lots of friends, and family.
I was going to have an OB appointment yesterday, but Eragon’s car
seat was in my grandma’s car, and she had gone out, so i had to
re-schedual to this monday, which also happens to be the same day as
Zachary’s eye doctor appointment. He has one eye that turns in, and may
or may not need infant glasses to correct it. My Dr. is (thank goddess!)
a new doctor from the two i had for my previous pregnancies. I am
SOOOOO lucky he has transferred out to my area, because he is the only
VBAC friendly doctor in the county! He was the resident physician at
Syracuse medical center, has (i believe) nearly two decades of
experience as an obstetrician (possibly more), has assisted in, and
performed many VBAC’S, and is pretty much my only shot at having a VBA2C
in the hospital i go to. Unlike the nurses that work there.. One of
them actually said to me “If you come to this hospital to give birth,
you WILL have a c-section!” and then of course, the dreaded “Well, you
have no PROOF you can give birth vaginally.” Plus the little gem about
me being “knocked up again” and “getting fat” i mentioned in a previous
blog post. Yeah, that does WONDERS for my EDNOS. Bitch..
Anywhoo.. I haven’t met him yet. He has taken a leave of absence due
to a family emergency (i will not post what, out of respect for his
family), so until he comes back, i have to deal with the NP. Oh joy..
I’ve been getting lots of migranes lately. Mostly when i wake up in
the morning, as i have been sleeping in more so than usual (too
exhausted from being pregnant to wake up), and when i sleep too much i
get killer migranes that will last all day unless i take something. I’ve
pretty much been downing aleve like MNM’s lately.
We’ve been having some extra behavioral issues with Eragon lately.
For the life of us, we can NOT get him to stop biting, kicking,
pinching, slapping, and pushing down Zachary!! We got him to stop biting
about a month before Zachary was born, but then he started it up again
about 4 months after his birth. I know he’s special needs (not diagnosed
yet. Waiting for an appointment.) and it must be hard on him, but he
needs to stop!
So, i’m 15 weeks 5 days along now, and these weeks are just FLYING
by!! We find out the sex of the baby in just 4 weeks, and 5 days!! I am
SOOOO excited!!!
Part of me is hoping for a girl, because we already have two boys, me
and Skie keep fighting about circumcision (the boys are cut, but after
that i have done my research, and am now against it.), and almost all
women have the urge to have a girl at least once in their life. We would
make a gorgeous baby girl :)
And yet: a part of me wishes for a boy. Partly because i already know
what to expect from boys. The bigger part is because i will be keeping
him intact this time, no-matter what Skie says, and i feel it may help
heal some of my guilt, and regret from letting it happen to my boys :’(
So, i guess i’ll be happy either way.
Then, there’s breastfeeding. I fully plan to breastfeed for as long
as both me, and the baby are willing, and happy with the relationship.
Skie on the other hand wants me to stop at a year (despite the WHO
recommending a MINIMUM of 2 years, and the natural biological age for
child-led weaning is between 3 and 7 years.) He even went as far as to
say that the only reason mothers EBF, is so that they can get away with
“getting nasty” with their kids without being judged!! WTF?!?!? I even
said to him “You know, if you think of feeding a child in a sexual way,
and think of people getting off on that; then YOU are the one with the
problem!!” And he said to me “How do i have a problem for being
disgusted at the truth?!” Ugh.. I swear, some men should have mandatory
lobotomies. Though, with an opinion like that, it seems he may have
already! I digress.. It’s probably just due to his upbringing with his
nasty ass, abusive mother who did all sorts of disgusting things with
her “boyfriends” (if you can call them that) in front of him and his
brother. Oh, not to mention that she stole my private journal, and
showed it to people, threatening to get my kids taken away because of
the contents. There was nothing illegal, or bad in there. All i had in
there were my personal thoughts, and feelings. How i hated my body, and
recording my dieting. And also that i sometimes had thoughts of cutting
again (i used to do it a LOT), but also that i did NOT give in to those
thoughts. So yeah, she had no leg to stand on. Oh well.
So, i’ve been really depressed for the past few weeks. Not wanting to
get out of bed, not wanting to do much of anything, and practically
having to force myself to go through the daily motions. I’m not sure if
it’s stress, life, my chronic depression, or pregnancy hormones, but i’m
starting to think i should talk to a counselor about this. PPD can be a
serious thing, and i definitely don’t need that on top of everything
else. My kids deserve a happy mother, who can do the absolute best for
them.
Aside from the depression, i just feel physically exhausted. There’s a
point during the day where i get a sudden burst of energy, but before
and after that i can just barely keep my eyes open. I’ve also been
getting this pain on the left side of my belly button, that shoots down
into…. places. Not sure if it’s just my uterus stretching or what, but
that kind of pain stopped with the boys at about 10 weeks. Maybe it’s
because this is my third. Idk. But it really sucks. So does the nausea.
Well, i don’t really have much more to write, so i guess i’ll sign off. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. Peace XOXO
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