Attachment parenting with a "mainstream" partner

Alanis Morrisette. Famous Attachment Parent

Attachment Parenting. Two word that strick fear in the hearts of media outlets, and silky forums alike. The question that most often plagues my mind is "Why is this controversial?"
For as long as child bearing has existed, attachment parenting (sometimes called "hands on" parenting) has been what we just instinctually do. Not just humans. No, not at all. Every species on the planet, humans included, have the automatic knowledge, and reactions that accompany attachment parenting. Personally, i'm not really a fan of the term "attachment parenting", as it sets us further apart from others, furthers the practice from considered normal, and makes it out that WE are the ones practicing strange parenting habits. I decided to use a picture of Alanis Morrisette as an example of attachment parents.

Not as purpose to offend anyone, but knowing that our immediate instinct when we hear a crying baby is to tend to it, then why oh WHY are we told to go against that? A newborn baby is not capable of manipulation. All they know is "hungry, sleepy, wet". They depend on constant contact with their parents to know that they are safe. Babies are babies for a reason. They don't need to "learn to be independent". Independence is something children learn themselves, not something that can be taught.
Take Gorillas for example: They are never without their children. Their children are completely dependent on them for several years by needing to nurse, comfort, and are carried nearly everywhere. If this is so "detrimental" then why are their no Gorillas left? I know, i know. Nearly everyone uses the Gorilla analogy. Well there's a reason for that. It's a GOOD analogy! Gorillas, technically speaking, are our closest mammalian relatives. Their physical appearance, and social patterns nearly mimic our own, and are differed only by their total dependence of instinct.

You might be asking yourself "What does this have to do with the blog title?" I'm getting to that. Shortly, i promise.
It seems in this day-and-age the "mommy wars" are most prevalent among parents insulting, and demeaning each others parenting styles rather than showing support, and gentle education to our peers. We attachment parents strive to gently discipline our children, so how is gentle public education any different? Yes, many people out there are stubborn, and wont listen, but shouting "you horrible parent!" or "your kids will destroy the planet!" isn't exactly helping the cause.
The biggest problem mainstream parents have with attachment parents stems (i believe) partly from a jealousy (for lack of a better term) that we went with our instincts instead of what's popular; and partly from the fear that has been instilled that our instincts aren't good enough, and that we need to shut ourselves off from our kids emotionally, or they will be doomed to be co-dependent, jobless, leeches of society. Why is this? Why are we taught to fear our instincts?

Much of parenting involves fear, it's true. We are constantly scared of every move we make, praying that the choices we make are the right ones, that sometimes if one little thing goes wrong, we immediately blame everything we have ever done as a parent on it.

If you think it's bad debating parenting styles with aunts, uncles, parents, or people online; try debating it with your husband!

I am a fully crunchy parent. Yes, my boys were circumcised, formula fed, and they did cry it out for a time. I did what i knew. And now i know better. I did try to breastfeed as hard as i could. However, i really didn't know what i was doing, and had absolutely NO support in it. That can be very isolating.
I believe in breastfeeding, baby-wearing, extended rear-facing, gentle discipline, encouragement, delayed solids, bed sharing, delayed selective vaccinating, etc.

Skie on the other hand, is different.
He was born in 1977, around the time parents were urged to cry it out. His mother did it due to her own laziness, and generally being a horrible person (not because of crying it out, but because of EVERYTHING she did as a parent) but that is a long, horrifying story for another day.
He was raised being spanked, swatted with a switch, told to never "talk back" and smacked if he did, just to name a few things.

Basically, our parenting styles are the complete opposite.

He believes in spanking, while i believe in time out.

It isn't a total loss though. Through our years together, i have managed to educate him breastfeeding, extended rear-facing, delaying solids, bed sharing, and a LITTLE on vaccinations. The rest, we still butt heads on.

He always insists that my attachment parenting methods don't work because Eragons behavior can still be awful at times, and his outbursts are very violent, and physical. No, the attachment parenting works. You know why he still behaves that way? Because as soon as Eragon starts acting up, Skie gets upset, and blames it on the methods he was not raised around. This causes us to fight with eachother, and then the kids see that.

Don't get me wrong, i'm not blaming everything on Skie or anything like that. I know good and well it takes two people to argue. Skie has a lot of problems he is seeking help for. Problems that are really not my place to put publicly. If he wants everyone to know exactly what is going on, then he will tell me, or post it himself. What i CAN tell you, is that his counselors have diagnosed his problems are stemming from his childhood upbringing. So yeah, that should tell you something.

Parenting is hard, and everyone knows that. But it doesn't have to be "going to rip my hair out" stressful. We have had a long hard road as parents so far. 3 kids in 2 1/2 years is quite a lot to deal with. However, compared to many parents, our journey has just begun.
We have made many mistakes along the way, and are still learning. Learning never stops as a parent. There will ALWAYS be something new to try, or something new you learn about your children. Or even yourself.

Some days are good. We are still struggling with trying to wake up at a decent time in the morning so that Eragon naps around noon, and goes to bed around 7-9. Trust me, we have tried waking him up at 9 AM. But when we do, he won't nap until 5 at night, and then he stays up until 2, sometimes 3 in the morning.
So far, the only way he will nap mid-day, and go to bed at around 8 PM, is if we wake him up at 6 in the morning. The biggest problem with that is us. I have never been a morning person. Since he still goes to bed very very late, i would have to go to bed with him to even have a chance at waking up at 6. The issue with that, is that most of the work i need to do occurs after they go to bed. And another thing, we try to use the time when the kids go to bed to spend time together since we can't during the day. But if we do that, then we can't wake him up in the morning. And when that happens, we're stressed out because we didn't get to wind down the night before, adding more stress, and the cycle goes on, and on, and on, and on... Another problem is that Zachary still wakes up 2-6 times during the night despite eating during the day, and being dry. The only way he will sleep through the night is if he is in Skie's arms. However, we only have 1 bed. Our room is not big enough for Eragons toddler bed, so it's all 4 of us in a bed that's meant for two. We would just get a bigger bed, but our room is quite small, and the crib is very large. Aside from that, we can barely afford the essentials at this point.
That's why we're mostly crunchy. Not only is it what's best for kids and families; it is also fiscally sound.

I could write all day long, and still not capture everything about attachment parenting, and all it's benefits. So, i shall post some links below to different attachment parenting websites, and facebook pages. I would post links to blogs, but the ones i frequent are located over there ------->

So, here are the links. Enjoy :)

Parents Place
Attached Parents At Work
The Crunchy Convert
Mama Drama
Opinionated Mamas
Kelly Mom
Mommy Potamus
Mama Natural Blog
Gabe and Jess

"When you know better, you do better." -Maya Angelou

Questions to ask your care provider when seeking a VBAC

These are the questions to ask 

When seeking a VBAC. The above phrase is a link BTW.



"If you are a good candidate for VBAC, the single most important decision you can make that will have the greatest impact on your chances of VBAC success is who you hire to attend your birth.   This is why it’s important to interview several care providers and ask specific questions.

It’s important to make consultation appointments with care providers because you will often receive different information when speaking to the doctor or midwife directly than you would from the people who answer their phones.  When calling their office, be sure to state that you want to have a consultation.  Ideally, you want to meet in an office, not in an exam room."

*I claim no rights to any of the above information. It is merely an article i came across, and felt it was important to share.

72 great salad ideas

"Salads are no longer just diet food, composed of lettuce and dressing. Browse through our gallery of delicious concoctions, including light and fresh, hearty and savory -" See full article Here: http://www.wholeliving.com/136361/our-favorite-salads/@center/144884/healthy-dinners#86498

REVAMP!!

So, i've decided to do a full overhaul on the blog. Attempting to make it everything i wish it was. It sucks, because this is like my safe-haven. The one place i can escape, and i rarely have time to visit it. Grrr...

Just so y'all know, yes we ARE having a birthday party for Zachary. Unfortunately we have had to delay it due to the holiday season, lack of time, money, and conflicting schedules. I will let you know when it is when we know. Thank you for your patience :)

Aaaaaahhhhh..... Relaxationnnn.... OWWW!!! Oh yeah, that's right.. I'm a mom, my everything hurts..

I've been on my feet so much more lately than usual. Busting my ass day in and day out, doing an ungodly amount of laundry, dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping, and taking care of the kids plus all that that entails, on top of being now 24 weeks pregnant.. GAH!! I haven't been able to take anything for it either since i found out that ibuprofen is not safe during pregnancy. I was told acetaminophen was safe during pregnancy, but after further research i have discovered it's only recommended for use for occasional pain. Mine is constant and chronic. So, i guess that's all for now. I leave you with the 23 week belly shot. Yes, i'm 24 weeks now, but i haven't had a chance to blog in awhile. Peace, love, and crunchy :)

Zachary's 1st Birthday

So, this picture was taken 6 months ago, but it's my favorite. Zachary has always been more of a Dada's boy, so i thought it appropriate to post a picture of him with Skie. Look at how precious :)

Nothing better than skin-to-skin with daddy :)

I'm not really sure what else to write on the subject, except for IT'S ZACHARY'S FIRST BIRHTDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We haven't had his party yet (still not sure what day it's going to be due to conflicting schedules), but i'm making him a cookie monster cake :) We will probably get some frozen pizza's and chicken nuggets simply because of lack of time, and money. Fingers crossed his big day is good!!

No lesser evil

For years, i have been waiting for my turn. This election, quite possibly the most important election of our generation, is the first one i am old enough to vote in. It has come down to the choice.

Obama Vs. Romney

On the one hand, we have Obama. The man who wants to make unrestricted, unlimited abortions legal for any reason whatsoever.

He is also the man who will make sure gay rights keep going in the right direction, and supports marriage equality, and families that aren't defined by sexuality.

On the other hand, we have Romney. The man who is passionate about his position of defending the rights of pre-born babies, and defining life as beginning at conception.

Yet, he is also the man who wants to eliminate my families only source of income (at the moment), and prevent my special needs son from getting the services he needs to thrive in society.

That being said, we are told to vote for "The lesser of two evils."

In this case, there is no lesser evil..

How can i, as a responsible American voter, cast my vote for a man who thinks it's okay to murder babies 3 days after they're born?

How can i, as a loving, responsible mother, vote for the man who believes middle class families should "fend for themselves" and thinks my SPD son doesn't deserve special therapists to help him overcome his neurological disabilities to thrive in life?

That is why, i am choosing not to vote in this election.

I hear so many people tell me "don't vote? don't complain!" Then, i have other pro-lifers tell me that i don't truly care about the unborn, since i'm not voting for Romney, and that not voting, is a vote for Obama. I'm sorry, but this is simply not true.

My grandfather fought for this country, so that i would have the freedom to vote. Freedom to vote, means the freedom NOT to vote if i so choose.The way i see it, if we vote for Obama, our country will stay the way it has been for the past 4 years. If we vote for Romney, the economic downturn would be catastrophic, and unemployment would be even worse than it already is. Worse than that, poverty levels, and the rates of children being removed from homes would sky-rocket due to impoverished families being unable to access emergency assistance if they need it.

I understand that the welfare system is grossly abused, and that there are millions out there that misuse the system to pay for drugs and alcohol. However, if i am truly pro-life, that means i am pro-life for EVERYONE. Not just pre-born babies, but born children, and families as well.

These are the reasons why i have made my choice. I am spending election day, voting for motherhood. As i sit here, quickly jotting down my thoughts with my hair in a messy bun, an apron on my shoulders, laundry going in the washer, dishes soaking in the sink, dinner on the stove, and happy children playing, i know i have made the right choice.

My reluctant vote for someone i don't truly believe in, would simply be a wasted vote. There is no point in me just aimlessly "eenie meenie miney mo-ing" my way through the ballot box, just because it's my "American Duty." Sorry, but i have a bigger duty to my family. My responsibilities to my country, are better served out there on the front lines. Making a difference to REAL people on the streets, and in my community then just mindlessly casting a vote.

Okay, i have to go now. Got a LOT more work to do. Live long, and prosper..

Gender reveal!! It's a....

Say hello to our beautiful new edition. It's a girl!!!! I love you Emberlynn Chelsie Marie Mcbee<3

Bulk post: Eragon update/My birthday/New hair/Impending ultrasound

Eragon Update:

So, Eragon had his surgery 5 days ago. The past few days have been hectic of taking care of Eragon, and everything else that we do on a regular basis. Happily, he took the surgery like a champ, and by the end of the day he was up, and playing.

He spent a good portion of the first two days laying on the couch, watching Thomas & Friends, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, Super Why, and Dumbo :)

For the most part, we are happy with the results. Most of the nurses were very nice, and attentive to our needs. The doctor however, was a complete ass. First of all, we were told weeks ago that we would be able to be in the room with Eragon while he went under the anesthesia. But when we got there, they just took him away and we had to watch him scream and begging for me and Skie, only to have strangers hold him down, and force a mask over his face :'(  As we were heading towards the waiting room, we heard him screaming in the OR. Skie turned around, and started heading in, only to be stopped and pushed out by nurses. Before they brought him in, we were asking the surgeon general questions (risks of the anesthesia, things we need to look out for, etc.) And instead of giving us actual answers, he just shook his head yes or no (unless we asked him a question that REQUIRED a verbal answer). Also, the whole time, he had this look of superiority on his face the whole time that i found very insulting.
When the surgery was done, they called us from the recovery room, and told us to come in because he was awake. And of course, as a mother, i got up and headed towards the room as fast as i could, especially since i could hear him screaming through the phone. That's when Dr. Dickhead decided to stop us, and ask "Where are you going?" So we said "To see Eragon. They just called us, and told us to come to the recovery room." So he says "Well, i need to talk to you about the surgery first. You do.. WANT me to talk to you, don't you?" I swear, i just about smacked those coke-bottle glasses right off his tiny little head!
So after he kept us in the quiet room to tell us a bunch of crap we already knew (and pretty much spare him any liability from not informing us of anything), we FINALLY got to go to the recovery room and be with him. He was in so much pain, and was crying and screaming "mama! mama! mama!!!" It just broke my heart, and i broke down crying. I, thankfully, got to hold him while he slept off the rest of the anesthesia. At one point, i handed him to Skie so he could cuddle and comfort him for awhile. I took Zachary, and Eragon woke up. Despite being in pain, he felt well enough to say "Bee baba, down!!" And i couldn't help but laugh. My sweet baby boy<3 The prescribed him Tylenol with Codeine for pain management, and BOY did that work!! Put him out for awhile!! Sure, we enjoyed the quiet; but i would have much rather have had my baby boy happy, and surgery-free then passed out in a narcotic coma.

He has done so good since the surgery, and it's healing nicely. He only has a bit of bruising, and his scar is pink. Tomorrow, we get to take the bandage off his pelvis, and see how everythings going under there.

As far as all that goes, i think that's about all i've got since the surgeries all over with, and he came out of it like a boss. So, onto the next topic i guess.

Happy 20th Birthday to me:

Not much to talk about in this topic. I was born 20 years ago on October 26th 1992 at 9:11 PM. Yes... 911. Go ahead, get it out of your system. I'll wait..

Okay, now that that's over with: Let's see, i got Pizza, and a cheesecake for my birthday for food. As for presents, i got a new pair of shoes, and some hair dye (refer to the picture below).

Yeah, i was right. That's pretty much it lol.

New Hair:

So, for this picture, i have shown my new hair color, and my intactivist shirt (you can see the google image in a previous blog post, below). I am absolutely LOVING this color!!!

Again, not much to write lol...

Impending ultrasound:

Not much to write here either lol.

Just an update really.

I've been starting to feel little movements lately, and when i search for the fundal height, it is just about adjacent to my belly button (as you can see). Although, most of what you see is just my fat, the baby pushes it out even further. I can't wait! We get to see what we're having in 4 days!!! 3, if you don't count the two hours left in this day lol ;)

My SPD seems to be getting worse lately. Just about 20 minutes ago, i had some sort of an attack (that i've been having frequently lately). It's on the right side of my pelvis, and it felt like a ripping/burning pain, that ached from that spot into my back, and down my right leg. GOD that sh*t hurt!! Not sure what it was, but it's definitely something i'm bringing up at my appointment on Wednesday.

Oh! And speaking of my appointment! I thought i was going to get to FINALLY meet my OB, after going 19 (20 as of midnight tonight) weeks without meeting him, but then i realized my appointment if on Wednesday, and he's only in the clinic on Tuesdays and Thursdays. So yeah, needless to say i'm a tid bit pissed.

So, i guess that's all i've got for now. Update ASAP. Probably on Wednesday. Peace :) 

Ultrasound Excitement / Surgery Nervousness

Ultrasound Excitement:

So, as the day for the gender reveal looms closer every second, i find myself more and more excited. Yet nervous at the same time.

With Eragon, i already knew he was a boy. I just felt it. Skie was convinced he was a girl, but i knew. With Zachary, i didn't have a clue. Skie knew he was a boy too, but i just had no idea. This time is a bit different though. This time, all the signs point to girl. I kind of feel like it may be a girl, and i HOPE we're having a girl; but then something inside me just feels like it's going to be another boy.
Skie is convinced he only makes boys now, so doesn't think we'll be suprised with a girl at all. We don't really know for sure, and wont for another week and 4 days.

Surgery Nervousness:

Eragons surgery is just two days away.

I had to take him to the phlebotomist yesterday for his pre-surgery blood work that the Drs. office conveniently neglected to tell us about until the last minute. He didn't take the needle very well due to his SPD, and i'm concerned about how the after-surgery pain is going to effect him.
I mean, we'll do our best to keep him properly medicated, but i don't want to give him too much, for fear of an accidental overdose. Then another thing i'm concerned about is taking him home. He is still in a 5-point rear facing harness, and i just hope the leg part in the middle doesn't rub against the area, and hurt him on the way home.

As any mother would be, i am concerned about the risks, and the possibility of something going wrong. So far i haven't seen anything bad about the surgery, but perhaps i need to do some more research. Then again, if i look up the horror stories, i may just scare myself too much out of letting him go through the surgery he needs.
After all, if he doesn't have the surgery it can cause pain in the future when he grows more, and his chances of having children when he's ready are greatly reduced.
I don't know how to get through it, i'm just so scared! I mean, he is my first born child! He's only two years old, and has to go through corrective surgery on his reproductive system!!

I don't know.. Not sure what i was hoping to get out of this blog post. Maybe i thought that writing things out might bring me to some sort of calming realization that would suddenly make it all better. Things just feel so out of my control. Neither me, or Skie are going to be allowed in the room when he has the surgery due to the "risk of medical tampering". What?!? So.. We can't hold our childs hand while he goes under the knife, because we might somehow screw up the surgery?
Oh, but not to worry! They're letting us stay with him until the anesthesia kicks in! Then we have to watch our first born child be wheeled away to surgery with neither one of us there for him. I just don't know what i'll do if something happens..

Okay, so i guess that's all for now. Write more when i have the time. Peace.

Boys will be boys *sigh*

Ooohhh... The joy of having boys.. Especially toddler boys! Eragon is 2 years old now (technically 25 months in 5 days), and Zachary is 11 months (his first birthday is in 3 weeks and 6 days). Any mother with boys knows exactly what i mean when i quote two words from my oldest.. "Mama! Now!" Toddlers have full on, 14 year old, head-swingin' attitude, and they are not afraid to show it!

Is it just me, or are boys more prone to swallowing, breaking, shredding, eating, hiding, or incinerating precious items than girls are?
Perhaps. Then again, my mother did always say to me and my sister "I hope you have children that gave you just as much trouble as you gave me!" Ah! The dreaded grandma curse!
And that's another thing!
Why are boys so attached to their grandmothers?! I swear, Eragon will listen to two people in this world. Skie (daddy), and my mother! Me? Pffftt!! Nope. Mommy is good for 3 things: playing, feeding, and getting stuff he can't reach. My boys are definitely a handful. I can only immagine what they'll be like as teenagers.. Oh god, PLEASE don't let them be as bad as me!

Another thing boys seem to enjoy, is roughhousing. And a LOT of it. Normally i wouldn't mind that, but at 18 weeks 5 days pregnant, it makes it a little difficult for me to play rough. Especially when Eragon pile-drives me right in the gut, and i spend the rest of the night on the couch, curled up in pain with Braxton Hicks contractions. Eesh. This is then made all the more difficult on Skie because he is still getting used to the effects of his new medication.
Eragon has a new favorite game at least. Football. More specifically, throwing his nerf football at mommy as hard as he can. Last time, he wailed me in the throat lol! Yeah, that didn't feel good.




      On a more somber note, Poor Eragon needs to have bloodwork done today, and with his SPD, that needle prick is going be awful :( What's worse, is that he has to have his surgery on Monday, i can only imagine how much pain he'll be in after that!! For those of you who don't know, Eragon has to have surgery to correct his un-descended testicle. It's a common condition, and is supposed to correct itself by age one. However, in Eragons case, his didn't correct itself, so now he needs surgery. Here's a link of how the surgery is performed:  http://www.chop.edu/service/surgery-general-thoracic-and-fetal/conditions-we-treat/pediatric-surgery-undescended-testicles.html

It's a relatively simple surgery, but still scary to go through as a parent.


Okay, i think that's it for now. So, until next time, bye :)

Got my intactivist shirt!!

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





Now that i've got all that out of my system, YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!! I'm excited if you couldn't tell :) My purple "Intactivist By Nature" shirt came in the mail today, and i am SO excited to wear it out in public and see what kind of reactions i get.

For those of you who may be wondering where i ordered it from, it's from the whole network :)
You can also find them on facebook. Just type The WHOLE Network into the search bar.

As you all know, my boys are circumcised. It was a decision made out of pure ignorance, and misinformation. I bought into the lie about it being "cleaner", "healthier", and "normal" when in fact, it is easier to clean an intact male, removing a normal functioning body part that has 20,000 nerve endings is NEVER healthy, and 85% of the world is intact. So my boys are now a part of the minority in males, all because of my ignorance, and refusal to research.

 http://www.savingsons.org/
 http://www.thewholenetwork.org/
 http://www.intactnetwork.org/

Above are a few intact websites i have come across. Thanks to Intact Network, i found a page with a list of intact websites, which i enclose here:

 http://www.intactnetwork.org/p/intact-websites.html
^credit to intactnetwork.org

I absolutely LOVE the saving our sons, and whole network websites! They have shops to get not only adult shirts, bumper stickers, drop cards, pins, etc; but they ALSO have childrens wear!! Onesies, childrens shirts, and things of the like :)

Anyway, that's about all i have so far. Just wanted to share my excitement with you all, and some intact-friendly links. Have a good day everybody. Peace :)

SPD Management/Pregnancy Discomforts

Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction (SPD) is most commonly associated with pregnancy and childbirth. It is a condition that causes excessive movement of the pubic symphysis, either anterior or lateral, as well as associated pain, possibly because of a misalignment of the pelvis. SPD is a dysfunction that is associated with pelvic girdle pain and the names are often used interchangeably. It is thought to affect up to one in four pregnant women to varying degrees, with 7% of sufferers continuing to experience serious symptoms postpartum.^[1][2] Although the condition was recognized by Hippocrates, incidences of SPD appear to have increased in recent years; it is unclear whether this is because the average maternal age is increasing, or because the condition is being diagnosed more frequently.

Now that we have the technical definition down, here's the layman's explanation...

This sh*t HURTS!!!!!!! 

I have had SPD in all of my pregnancies, and, according to my research, it occurs usually in each subsequent pregnancy, with the duration beginning earlier each time, and with more ferocity.

For me, the pain is at it's worst late at night, or when i'm waking up in the morning, and getting out of bed.

Ways to keep it from hurting too much throughout the day include:

• Not sitting or standing for prolonged periods of time
• No strenuous exercise (a no-brainer during pregnancy anyway)
• Doctor approved pain meds
• Keeping your legs elevated when you sit
• Not lifting one leg higher than the other (not easy in my case with several baby gates to step over)
• And buying a pelvic girdle

With my pregnancy with Eragon, i noticed the pain start when i was around 30 weeks or so. With Zachary, it started at about 22. This time however, it started at 13. Ugh... This surprisingly common pregnancy condition is rather unheard of among OB's these days. Impossible? Not quite.
For some women, the pain is rather minor, while for others (such as myself) it can get quite severe.
No amount of pain meds help either.
Very few doctors are qualified to recognize this condition. In fact, most of the time it is diagnosed by a chiropractor.


At night, i have to sleep on my left side, or my stomach, with one of my legs raised up higher than the other just to avoid constant pain during the night. I still wake up stiff in the morning though. Admittedly, my pain isn't nearly as bad as other women's'. In fact, some women experience this pain for months, and even years after birth! For others, they don't get the pain at all until around menopause which is then exacerbated by the symptoms that go along.
Last night, i had some Horrible SPD pain, and had to sit for about 30 minutes. It's been made worse by the Braxton Hicks i've been getting as well. Oh little peanut, mommy goes through this pain because she loves you and your brothers so very much. <3

So, i guess that's all i have to post for now. Update later when i have time to post again. Peace :)

Moby baby-wearing

So, here's the pic :) This is me, and my 10 month old boy Zachary-Ryan wearing our new Moby Wrap that came in the mail this morning :) We both love it!! The best part? Eragon even fits into it!! No complaints so far, except that it's just so damn hard to get it back into the bag it came in :/ But other than that, absolute perfection!!

My moby came in the mail!!!

Yay!!! I'm so excited!! We ordered the leaf colored moby wrap, and it came by UPS today :) It also came with an instructional booklet, two drop cards, and a car magnet to spread the word about moby wraps. I tried it out with Zachary in it, and it was fantastic!! I could carry him forever in it!!

I really wanted to be able to post this info with a pic, but i got too excited to wait, so hopefully i'll have a pic up later. I've got to get off for now though. Gotta get something to eat, do some laundry, and take the kids outside, so i'll hopefully be able to post later today. Peace :)

Stressful night. Coping with my mind.

Grrr.... Time for this crabby mommy to wind down! The boys were quite well-behaved today. I mean, the odd tantrum here or there, and Eragon bit Zachary once; but other than that, it was pretty good. It wasn't until we were trying to put them down to bed that it got stressful.

So, Zachary went down for his only nap of the day at around noon, and slept til 2:30. Then he decided to stay awake, and not go to bed until midnight!!! He was so exhausted for two hours straight, but was just fighting his sleep as hard as he could.
I had him cradled in my arms while giving him the bottle, rocking and bouncing him, and singing the itsy bitsy spider (the boys' favorite song), and continued to do that for about an hour.
Every time he was just about asleep, either Eragon would come up wanting to be held, and i would have to shoo him away, or my moms husband would decide to blast his music, or someone would start talking loud, etc. etc. etc. It just goes on and on..

I've been in an increasingly large amount of pain lately, with seemingly no subsidization in sight.

I need a massage..




Nothing else much to write. Like i said before, my life isn't interesting enough to write every day. I'm thinking my next entry might be about weight and/or body image of some sort. Maybe tonight, maybe later in the week. Kk. So long for now. Peace.

Completion of week 16/My thoughts*Name Announcement*

Hey there. So, i've decided to organize my posting into weekly blogs as my life is far from interesting enough to write daily, or even 2-3 times a week. A summation of the whole week seems to suffice.

Week 16 of this pregnancy has been pretty rough. My SPD (Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction) has kicked into high-gear, and i am now up to about 6 Aleve tablets a day, which is twice the dose recommended not to exceed, but without it, i can't handle the pain! It's really bad when i first wake up in the morning, or if i've been sitting for long periods of time. The kicker? I have to sit a lot these days because of the pressure from my uterus, and how tired i get lately.

At my last OB appointment, i discovered that my doctor has taken a leave of absence, and will be gone from work until further notice. So now, i have no idea when i'm going to meet him, and in the meantime i have to deal with the nurses showing RCS (Repeat C-section) down my throat, and telling me i can't birth vaginally, because my body hasn't "proven" that it can. What garbage.
Then there's the other nurse who said to me "Well if give birth here, you WILL have a c-section. Geez lady, talk about informed consent much?!

As for my mental and emotional state, that is quite lacking these days. I'm going crazy from all the stress, and getting absolutely NO emotional support from anyone. All my family has been doing is minimizing my feelings, and blowing everything off as me being either "immature" or "over-exaggerating my pregnancy hormones". Yeah, well sit and spin buddy..
I am so sick of sitting around, and being told that i'm wrong 100% of the time, that my opinions about everything don't matter, and that everyone else but me has a brain. Well guess what? If you all fucking hate me so much, and would do "just fine without me" then why i don't  i just fucking leave?!? See how "just fine" you do when you're doing it yourself.

I've been really considering training to be a doula. It is very rewarding work, and i would be helping so many women at the most vulnerable times in their lives, and it is a field i would be happy in. Idk if i would want to start the training while i'm still pregnant with this baby, or after the birth.
I have time to decide though. Lots of time.

Oh! And speaking of the baby! We have finally come up with a girls name!! If she is a girl, her name will be Emberlynn Chelsie Marie Mcbee :) Pretty, eh? And, we go in for the gender ultrasound on the 31st, which is just 3 weeks and 4 days :) I already know she's going to be a girl. I can just feel it. While Skie is convince he only makes boys, but we'll see :)
Along with the ultrasound, my birthday is also 5 days before that. Gonna be 20!! Wow, no longer a teenager. That's a hard pill to swallow, i tell ya that!

Not much else to write from this week except some symptoms. My nausea is just about gone, but kicks in pretty good when i'm in the car. I am now leaking a fair bit of colostrum, resulting in sore, swollen, full breasts. Hey, at least i HAVE breasts now! Damn things are barely above a B cup :/ I guess my only other symptoms lately would be my near-constant back pain, and the SPD. Other than that, i also have my mood swings. Not nearly as bad as other people's though *rolls eyes*.

Well that's all for now. I will leave you with a link to this post i found about a woman in Australia who beat the odds, and had a natural labor and birth of tripplets. Here ya go. Enjoy :)

 http://naturalchildbirthworld.com/natural-birth-triplets/

General update/Symptoms/Ranting

Argh! Haven’t posted in a bit!
So, a few things have been going on. For one, Eragon just turned two on the 24th *yay!!* His party is tomorrow, and i have been practically KILLING myself getting ready for it! A home-made lightning McQueen cake, Pizza, chicken & spinach fajitas, a make your own sunday station, balloons, streamers, and lots of friends, and family.
I was going to have an OB appointment yesterday, but Eragon’s car seat was in my grandma’s car, and she had gone out, so i had to re-schedual to this monday, which also happens to be the same day as Zachary’s eye doctor appointment. He has one eye that turns in, and may or may not need infant glasses to correct it. My Dr. is (thank goddess!) a new doctor from the two i had for my previous pregnancies. I am SOOOOO lucky he has transferred out to my area, because he is the only VBAC friendly doctor in the county! He was the resident physician at Syracuse medical center, has (i believe) nearly two decades of experience as an obstetrician (possibly more), has assisted in, and performed many VBAC’S, and is pretty much my only shot at having a VBA2C in the hospital i go to. Unlike the nurses that work there.. One of them actually said to me “If you come to this hospital to give birth, you WILL have a c-section!” and then of course, the dreaded “Well, you have no PROOF you can give birth vaginally.” Plus the little gem about me being “knocked up again” and “getting fat” i mentioned in a previous blog post. Yeah, that does WONDERS for my EDNOS. Bitch..
Anywhoo.. I haven’t met him yet. He has taken a leave of absence due to a family emergency (i will not post what, out of respect for his family), so until he comes back, i have to deal with the NP. Oh joy..
I’ve been getting lots of migranes lately. Mostly when i wake up in the morning, as i have been sleeping in more so than usual (too exhausted from being pregnant to wake up), and when i sleep too much i get killer migranes that will last all day unless i take something. I’ve pretty much been downing aleve like MNM’s lately.
We’ve been having some extra behavioral issues with Eragon lately. For the life of us, we can NOT get him to stop biting, kicking, pinching, slapping, and pushing down Zachary!! We got him to stop biting about a month before Zachary was born, but then he started it up again about 4 months after his birth. I know he’s special needs (not diagnosed yet. Waiting for an appointment.) and it must be hard on him, but he needs to stop!
So, i’m 15 weeks 5 days along now, and these weeks are just FLYING by!! We find out the sex of the baby in just 4 weeks, and 5 days!! I am SOOOO excited!!!
Part of me is hoping for a girl, because we already have two boys, me and Skie keep fighting about circumcision (the boys are cut, but after that i have done my research, and am now against it.), and almost all women have the urge to have a girl at least once in their life. We would make a gorgeous baby girl :)
And yet: a part of me wishes for a boy. Partly because i already know what to expect from boys. The bigger part is because i will be keeping him intact this time, no-matter what Skie says, and i feel it may help heal some of my guilt, and regret from letting it happen to my boys :’(
So, i guess i’ll be happy either way.
Then, there’s breastfeeding. I fully plan to breastfeed for as long as both me, and the baby are willing, and happy with the relationship. Skie on the other hand wants me to stop at a year (despite the WHO recommending a MINIMUM of 2 years, and the natural biological age for child-led weaning is between 3 and 7 years.) He even went as far as to say that the only reason mothers EBF, is so that they can get away with “getting nasty” with their kids without being judged!! WTF?!?!? I even said to him “You know, if you think of feeding a child in a sexual way, and think of people getting off on that; then YOU are the one with the problem!!” And he said to me “How do i have a problem for being disgusted at the truth?!” Ugh.. I swear, some men should have mandatory lobotomies. Though, with an opinion like that, it seems he may have already! I digress.. It’s probably just due to his upbringing with his nasty ass, abusive mother who did all sorts of disgusting things with her “boyfriends” (if you can call them that) in front of him and his brother. Oh, not to mention that she stole my private journal, and showed it to people, threatening to get my kids taken away because of the contents. There was nothing illegal, or bad in there. All i had in there were my personal thoughts, and feelings. How i hated my body, and recording my dieting. And also that i sometimes had thoughts of cutting again (i used to do it a LOT), but also that i did NOT give in to those thoughts. So yeah, she had no leg to stand on. Oh well.
So, i’ve been really depressed for the past few weeks. Not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to do much of anything, and practically having to force myself to go through the daily motions. I’m not sure if it’s stress, life, my chronic depression, or pregnancy hormones, but i’m starting to think i should talk to a counselor about this. PPD can be a serious thing, and i definitely don’t need that on top of everything else. My kids deserve a happy mother, who can do the absolute best for them.
Aside from the depression, i just feel physically exhausted. There’s a point during the day where i get a sudden burst of energy, but before and after that i can just barely keep my eyes open. I’ve also been getting this pain on the left side of my belly button, that shoots down into…. places. Not sure if it’s just my uterus stretching or what, but that kind of pain stopped with the boys at about 10 weeks. Maybe it’s because this is my third. Idk. But it really sucks. So does the nausea.
Well, i don’t really have much more to write, so i guess i’ll sign off. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow. Peace XOXO

VBA2C preparation. To homebirth, or not to homebirth.

A lot of controversy has been stirring in recent years about what some call a “trend”. It is quite sad that the most natural thing in the world is now deemed “crazy” “stupid” “risky” or my personal favorite “unnecessary”. What is this “trend” i speak of? Put quite simply, it is natural childbirth.
Now, i’m not just talking about vaginal birth. I’m talking about NATURAL birth. Many people have opposing views on what the definition of “natural birth” is. Personally, i think natural birth is a birth of whatever feels natural to YOU. Take me for example: My first labor lasted 5 hours. It consisted of me being kept laying flat on my back with 2 I.V’s, a urinary catheter, and 3 fetal monitors strapped to my belly; the doctor breaking my water without my knowledge, or consent, frequent, painful vaginal exams where the doctor decided i “needed” a c-section for reasons that are still unknown to me 2 years later, the anesthesiologist yelling at me for moving while he administered the spinal during a contraction, and me not being able to see my son until the next day despite him being born at 5:39 AM.
My second labor… Didn’t happen. I found a new care provider, who said he was VBAC supportive. Until i was 39 weeks. I went in at my 39 week appointment for a routine ultrasound to determine Zachary’s position. I had been leaking fluids very slowly all morning, yet forgot to mention it as i wasn’t sure if it was my water or not. The ultrasound tech became worried about my “low fluid levels”, and immediately sent the report to my doctor. He decided right then and there to go ahead and cut me. I told him i had been leaking fluid all morning, but he ignored me.  He kept me there until my son was born. I got to my appointment at 10:30 AM, and he was born somewhere after 7 PM. I was supposed to be taken in immediately. However, they decided to put me on I.V’s, a catheter, and refuse to let me eat or drink anything. They kept delaying my surgery because, apparently, every time my turn came up, another woman “had” to go in before me. Really? Their c-section rate scares me. So, it took every ounce of strength in me to stay awake during the surgery, and i fell asleep within minutes after i was sewn up. I woke up several hours later to hold my son, and luckily was able to.
..These were not natural births..
For me, a natural birth would be few, to no vaginal exams, NO augmentation, vaginal, delayed cord clamping, food and water availability, being able to move around, and birth in positions that AREN’T on my back, etc. That is what I would like. And that is why i want a VBA2C. I can NOT go through the trauma i went through with my sons. Because of my first c-section, i failed to breastfeed because of the amount of pain i was in, and the fact that they gave him formula without my consent, so he wouldn’t latch. I couldn’t see him until the day after he was born, and wasn’t allowed to hold him until the day after that. He was born at 37 weeks, spent 5 days in the NICU, was on I.V. fluids, heart monitors, and a ventilator because he had jaundice, underdeveloped lungs, and an immature nervous system despite being 7 lbs 10 1/2 oz, and 20 1/2 inches long.
However, many women i have spoken to describe natural birth as simply a vaginal birth.
Women in our society today have lost touch with what our bodies were meant to do. We no-longer trust our motherly instincts, our nature as women, and the power we have to create life.
Many, many times, i have described how horrible my experiences with c-sections were, and people told me “at least your kid is alive” or told me to “just get over it.” Sorry, but no. I can’t just “get over” having a medical team lie to me, violate my body, violate my rights, and take advantage of me because i wasn’t fully informed of my options. Aside from that, having my body ruined and scarred for life, feeling like a failure because my body “wasn’t good enough” to birth my own children, feeling like a failure because my body “wasn’t good enough” to feed my own children, and causing horrible PPD. Nope, sorry. I don’t think that’s something i can just brush off. Thanx.
I have really been struggling with my options lately. At my last appointment, the nurse told me “well, if you come here to give birth, you WILL have a c-section.” Even though i know this to be complete bogus, these nurses have been through all of my pregnancies so far, and my anxiety makes it nearly impossible for me to speak up for myself.
I took it upon myself today to print out the ACOG 2010 VBAC recommendations to show to my doctor at my appointment on the 27th (i’m 14 weeks +2 and still haven’t met my doctor). The hospital follows the VBAC guidelines from 1996, and i’m not sure they’re even aware that the college reviewed it’s statements. I have also printed out the ICAN Q&A about what to do when your hospital has “banned” VBAC’s, and a birth plan in which i indicated that i do not consent to cesarean sections unless a fatal medical emergency arises. I will provide links for all 3 at the bottom of this post.
Anyhoo, because of my lack of support from family, and medical professionals, i have been considering a home birth with a midwife, and a Doula, but i am on medicaid, and can’t afford them. So, i was strongly considering an unassisted birth; but now i just don’t know. It’s not so much that i’m doubting myself, it’s more that i want that safety net, and to know that if something goes wrong, that i wont have to risk being caught in a traffic jam or something on the way to the hospital. Of course either way; hospital, or home; i intend to labor at home. I have been thinking about staying home for as long as possible, and getting quite well into my labor before going to the hospital. Yet, at the same time, i’m afraid of the doctors and nurses making the rest of my labor so difficult, and bombarding me with their “recommendations” and “opinions”. I want a nice, peaceful birth. I feel that if they make it stressful for me, that it will stress out the baby, and cause problems, or maybe even a rupture.
Choices like this are very serious, and should only be made with the utmost research on the risks, and benefits of EVERY choice before deciding. I know that i absolutely will NOT budge on what i want for my labor and delivery, but still; in the throws of labor, having everyone try to force interventions on you, telling you everything that “will” go wrong, pulling the dead baby card, yelling at you, etc; that is NOT the kind of environment that is conducive to childbirth, and NOT something the mother needs. *sigh* at least i still have 25 weeks and 5 days to make my final decision, and get to know my doctor.
Luckily, Dr. Neulander is new to the practice. All the doctors are. The hospital decided to get rid of their entire obstetrics team, so NONE of the doctors that were involved in my first two c-sections are there anymore *cue chorus of angels*. Who knows, perhaps he is more supportive of VBAC than these nurses know. I’m not going to know for sure for another week and 2 days. Part of me is excited (mostly because my doctor actually speaks english this time), and the other part is scared of the unknown. Not knowing what this doctor will be like, or what his opinions are on VBAC’s, or natural births altogether.
So, i guess that’s all for now. Nothing much else to write for now. Just needed to vent. I hope everyone has a great day, and a pleasant evening. Bye xoxo
Links:
ACOG 2010 VBAC guidelines:
http://www.acog.org/About_ACOG/News_Room/News_Releases/2010/Ob_Gyns_Issue_Less_Restrictive_VBAC_Guidelines
Exercising your right to refuse. ICAN Q&A:
http://www.ican-online.org/vbac/your-right-refuse-what-do-if-your-hospital-has-banned-vbac-q
Blank birth plan:
http://images.thebump.com/tools/pdfs/birth_plan.pdf
What is a “natural birth” to you?

Pregnancy Hormones

Ah, the depression stage.. Seems to hit sooner in subsequent pregnancies. I didn’t get any depression or anything with Eragon until after my milk dried up (the cause of my depression). With Zachary, i started bursting into tears about anything and everything at around 35 weeks. Part of that however was the fact that me and Skie were living apart due to having lost our apartment, and neither side of our family would take us ALL in; so we had to ship Eragon back and forth every few days. That was the hardest time in our lives so far. I’m just 13 weeks, and 5 days along, and i just feel so down tonight, i have to choke back the tears..
I mean, we are under a considerable amount of stress right now. Raising an almost 2 year old, and almost 10 month old, both of us are unemployed, and there’s another baby on the way. The stress is about to get even more so very soon as i am looking to start online college classes, and Skie will be getting a job through Vesid as soon as he gets his voucher for work clothes. It will most likely be manual labor such as laying carpet, or things of the like.
Eragon behaved rather well today. He had a few tantrums here and there, but what two year old doesn’t? It has definitely been an improvement from how he used to behave. Still waiting months, upon months for us to get a call or a letter back about when he will get his evaluation.
He has been doing very well with his speech therapist, and his OT. He can count to 5, name all his colors, say almost the whole alphabet, and speak a few 3 word sentences. Definitely and improvement from him barely saying 5 words just 4 months ago.
Zachary hasn’t really done much more since i posted yesterday lol, The only difference i’ve noticed is that he wasn’t nearly as crabby today as he has been lately. He is such an adorable, happy baby :) Always has the biggest smiles to show to the world :)
You know what else pregnancy hormones do? Cause you to pee niagra falls every 5 minutes.
Sooo… I really don’t have much else to write, but i feel all depressed, and lonely so i don’t really want to stop writing.
I’ve been highly considering getting established with a counselor to manage my depression. The problem is, i’m a chronic procrastinator, and rarely finish anything. But at this point, the way i’m feeling, it seems almost essential. What with my eating problems, my self-image issues, my anxiety, and my depression; i feel as if i’m going to have to give in and see a therapist at some point, if just to function like a normal person. I’d give anything to not have everything make me cry :(
Perhaps helping myself, and solving my own problems, will make me better capable of raising the kids with more patience.
Another drawback to the hormones, is that aside from bouts of moderate to severe depression, they also can cause me to have pretty bad, and angry mood swings. Like, just about anything will piss me off. I get mad at the slightest thing, which causes me to stress out and become anxious. The anxiety, causes another rise in my hormones, making me cry; and headed right back down depression avenue. Fun…
It’s true what they say as well. Depression really does cause fatigue. Also weight gain, bloating, etc. And everything else they mention in the Lunesta commercials.
You know, aside from just being upset at all about my weight, and general appearance; the nurses at the OB clinic sure didn’t do anything to help. Like at my last appointment for example: I have lost 55 lbs since having Zachary, after trying for 5 years to lose a single pound *yay me!*. Anyway, i walk into the clinic, and i swear i walked right into a scene from Mean Girls. The NP, and the LPN walked right up to me, and began commenting on my weight. They stood face-to-face to me, looking at me, but talking to eachother. The conversation went a little something like this:
NP: “Oh my god! look at how much weight she’s lost! Well, only to get knocked up again.” *arms crossed. head tilt*
LPN: “I know! Now she’s just gonna get fat again!” *looks over at NP*
NP: “Yep. Third baby. She’ll never lose that weight.”
Gee, how professional.. Thanx ladies; like i didn’t already hate my body enough. Now i’ve got the people who put me in stirrups, and look in my vagina at every appointment making negative comments about my body, that are not at all medically relevent. I could see if i was severely underweight, or overweight that they might mention a change in diet, but that was just uncalled for. I didn’t know how to react, so i just crossed my arms, looked at the floor, and said “Um, yeah. I guess..”
As you can see, i have a very hard time speaking up for myself. For this exact reason, i am having Skie come to every appointment with me. He knows how i feel about things, and knows what i will consent to, what i wont consent to, and what i can, and cannot be legally forced to do. Since i likely would not speak up for myself when put under pressure like that, i really need him there to be my support system, encourage me to defend myself, and speak up for me when i can’t. I need him right now so much. He has every intention on being there, but i just hope something doesn’t come up on the day of an important appointment, and he’s not there to be my rock. Fingers crossed….
So, i guess that’s all for tonight then. It’s now 12:49 AM, and i need to get off of here. Update again when i have the time. Peace.

Haven't posted in a bit...

So, I’ve definitely gotten behind in my blogging. Not really much to say in that department. I’ve been busy lol.
My pregnancy is going pretty well so far. I actually have morning sickness this time around, so maybe that’s indicative of it being a girl this time? Who knows. I mean, i’ll be happy to have a healthy child either way, but at the same time it’s only natural to have a preference. Having two boys already, i would LOVE to have a little princess to do girly stuff with. What mother doesn’t? I keep telling Skie not to go out and buy boy clothes for the baby just yet, but then i have a hard time myself not buying girls things. Sorry babe, i just have a strong feeling that it’s a girl. Knowing my luck, it’ll turn out to be a boy lol. Anywhoo, i’m 13 weeks and 3 days along now, so i have just 4 days until i am officially in my second trimester, WOOT! It’s getting increasingly more difficult to sleep comfortably. I remember at this stage in my last two pregnancies, i felt just fine. This time around, i am showing already, and bloated as all holy hell!
Aww!! Eragon just did the cutest thing! He came up to me, and said “Ba nigh night! Shhh!” and put his finger up in a “shushing” motion lol! “Ba” means “Vacuum”. He can’t enunciate V’s just yet, so he says “Ba” :) That’s mommy’s funny boy<3 His behaviors have gotten a little worse lately. We are trying to get him in the be evaluated for ASD, and SPD. Other than that, he has been his regular funny self :)
However, my big boy has a big birthday coming up!! Yay!! He’s going to be a whole 2 years old on the 24th!! We’re having his party on the 29th though because most people work during the week, so we chose a saturday. I’m making him a Lightning McQueen cake, getting some chocolate ice cream, making apple pies baked inside the apples, a chicken and broccoli alfredo pizza, and lots of other yummies :) We’re having the party up at my moms house. Lots of room for him, and the other kids coming, to run around. With 77 acres of land, there BETTER be room to play on there lol!!
Zachary has been developing quite well. He’ll be 10 months old on saturday, and has already taken 2 steps unassisted! He is a super-fast crawler too. So fast, we can hardly catch him! I do get a bit frustrated though because a few times, i’ve caught him in the bathroom with his hands in the toilet when Skie was supposed to be watching him. GRRR!!! Needless to say, there was some disinfecting, and baby-proofing going on after that! I can’t really get too upset at Skie for that too since i’ve had my share of parenting blunders. We all have.
Admittedly, he has been SUPER cranky lately. He’s got tooth number 8 coming in, but i don’t think it’s just that. It seems like something more, but i’m not sure what. It’s not easy being an attachment parent. Answering every cry as soon as it occurs, baby-wearing, bed-sharing, etc. It is draining beyond belief. Mostly because i’m pregnant, and in the lethargic stage, but still; it’s hard. My boys deserve it though<3
I’m having a lot of self-image problems lately. After i had Zachary, i started dieting and exercising to no avail. It wasn’t until he was 6 months old that i kicked it into high-gear, and stuck to a strict vegetarian diet of less than 500 calories a day, and an exercise routine of burning NO less than 1500 calories a day. I lost 55 lbs in 3 months. I was feeling alright, but still not happy with my appearance. I was still a LONG way from my goal. I then found out i was pregnant, so i had to stop. After i got so far along, i decided to eat anything, and everything i wanted in hopes that it would make it look like i was showing a little more (i miss my baby belly). Unfortunatly, all it has done it made me look hideously fat despite only gaining 10 lbs. So now my self-esteem has taken a pretty hard left turn, and i’m finding it very hard not to take drastic measures to lose the weight. I’m trying to control myself, and simply be a little more active (i.e. more walking) and eating healthier (i.e. fruits, and veggies. No junk.) That should solve the problem.
Okay, so that’s all i really have to say today. Not much else going on really. Guess i’ll update more either tonight, or tomorrow. Maybe later after that. Okay, bye :)

Here's a bit to get to know my past

I’ve been wanting to do this for awhile. Having several journals that were either destroyed by vindictive mother-in-laws, lost through moving, or otherwise never followed through upon; i really need this space. My own relm. The venting of my frustrations, the sharing of daily joys, the bragging about my children, and a world all my own, where I make the rules for once. Let me begin..
My name is Tyler, and i am 19 years old, and a mother of two boys and pregnant with my third child (gender unknown). They all have the same father, who is my fiance. I was brought into this world on October 26th, 1992 by my loving mother Louella. I have two older sisters, and 1 younger sister (only one of which is my mothers other biological child). My father has never been active in my life, and for that i’m not really one to complain. I mean, every time he was around, he was either drinking with me in the car, showing me off in bars, or leaving me in the car for hours so he could drink in the bar when i had yet to hit double digits in my age.
We moved around a bit, though not as much as others have. I only changed schools 4 times, one of those being the transition from elementary to middle/high school. I was never what you would consider “cool” or even liked by generally the entire school population, which i was fine with. Being the lone goth kid was kind of my staple. At lease it meant i wasn’t a zombie. Many of the “popular” girls and boys would only ever talk to me, and ask me questions to laugh at my response. I knew what they were doing, but i really didn’t care. They were the ones with nothing better to do. Sure, i had a small group of friends. We were all very close, and i still keep in touch with many of them, but i always felt at peace when alone. Perhaps i’m just introverted. Or inherently bizarre.
Boys were never much of a concern for me. In fact, i encountered my first boyfriend when i wasn’t even trying. We were in art class one day, at the tender age of 12 . He was dating an acquaintance of mine (who is now my friend), and i was drawing a ficus. On that day, he decided he wanted to date the new girl (me). That being said, he broke up with her, and asked me out 20 minutes later. Having never been interested in by a boy before, all i could think of to blurt out was “Sure!” And there began the 4 year on-and-off relationship that pretty much cemented my dating life.
After a bit of thinking about my answer, i went over to my then-acquaintance, and talked to her about it. We cleared everything up, and she wasn’t mad because after all, they had dated for less than a week, and did not have strong feelings for him, but preferred them to be friends *phew!* I am definitely glad that something so trivial didn’t break up a good friendship. Later that school year, me and my then-boyfriends sister became friends. She is now my best friend in the world, and about as close to being a sister as anyone non-biological person i have ever known. I honestly don’t know how i would have gotten through high school without her.
4 years of dating this boy on and off. As hard as he tried to move things further, i just wasn’t ready. At age 15, i met who would become my 3rd boyfriend (i dated someone for a short time between my first boyfriend, and him). Me, and my first boyfriend had finally broken up for good because he cheated on me, then left me for the whore. Anyway, this boy was really something. I had a big crush on him, but didn’t dare tell him that because he was popular. And me, the fat goth kid, would never have a chance with the tall, handsome, muscular jock that everybody was friends with. I told my best friend (first bf’s sister) that i liked this guy. Well, they just happened to ride the same school bus, so she decided to spill the beans (gotta love her). The next morning, at school breakfast, he sat down next to me and just smiled. I say to him “You know, don’t you..” And he said “Yep.” and continued smiling. My friend comes up behind me, and i slap her arm in a friendly manner (all our friends were quite violent with one another. But it’s cool, because that was just our way.) So, after is turned 16 we began dating. I met his parents, he met my mother, and we went out on several dates. He had a job, a great sense of humor, was multi-talanted, and liked me! I couldn’t beileve it! I fell fast, and hard as young people do. Things escalated at a moderate rate, and about a month or two into our relationship, i lost my virginity to him. Ah… Every teen girls dream. To pop her cherry on the bottom half of a bunk-bed while watching “Enchanted”. How was it? Well, let’s just say i paid a little more attention to the movie (BUUUUURRRRNNNN!!!!). Needless to say, we lasted for about 2 1/2 more months due to him cheating on me twice (once with his ex, and once with a “friend” of mine), and dumping me over the phone (pussy).
I fell into a deep depression after the breakup. I had had a history of cutting myself since i was 12 years old, but this just made it worse. A few months later (about 2), i met this older guy. He was 18, so i just thought that was SOOOO cool. I actually wasn’t looking to date anyone because i was still vulnerable from my recent break-up. But he must have sensed that, because he sought me out directly. We were hanging out with a long-time best friend of mine, and she introduced us. At one point during the night, he decided he needed to go to the corner store, and said “Someone come with me. Ummm…. You!” and pointed right at me.  I was like “Okay, why not?” Not thinking anything of it (i was naive) i went with him. Half way to the store, he put his arm around me. I was a bit confused, until he turned to me, stopped walking, and just kissed me right there. Gosh he was cute! I was taken aback. Completely shocked that anyone would pursue me. Being in the vulnerable state i was, it took me all of a millisecond to accept his offer to date me. I am not proud of the things i did while with him. I was so desperate for someone to love me, that i jumped into the sexual aspect all of one day after; and now that i look back, i am disgusted and ashamed at that. We only dated for a few weeks, but it didn’t take him long to become violent, and then refuse to stop during a session of sex when i told him no. To which he decided to dump me as soon as he was finished. Asshat. This was the second sexual abuse i had survived through. The first being a very close adult figure when i was only 8 years old. To protect certain parties (not the molester, but other people) i will not disclose how i knew this man. But let’s just say i was 8, and he was 52.
After all of these events, still in the span of my 16th year, i dated two more people for a few weeks (not at the same time). In September of that year (2009) i met someone new. Someone different. His name is Skie. He was one of my friends’ cousins, and i met him at her house (he was living with them) while we were getting ready for homecoming. I thought he was just about the most gorgeous man i had ever seen in my life. Yes, i said man. He was 32. Did i care? No, and i still don’t. Age is just a number (as long as you follow the law). It wasn’t until a few days later that my friend came to me, and told me that her cousin Skie said he thought i was very beautiful. Well, being that i already liked him, i just about went through the roof with excitement!! We never really said more than a couple words to eachother until their Halloween party the next month. By that time, my 17th birthday had just passed, and i was finally legal! Free to date whoever i wanted without fear of that person being arrested or jailed (i live in New York state. 17 is the legal age of consent here.) At this party, my ex boyfriend was there with his new girlfriend (my first boyfriend). It didn’t really phase me because by that time i had been over him for awhile, and we managed to remain good friends. Me and Skie began talking, and discovered we had a lot in common. We both loved the same music, the same movies, the same clothes, tv shows, websites, and just about everything else. Curious to find out we were both also Wiccan. How about that! Still, we were just friends for awhile after that. It wasn’t until November 16th that our frequent conversations up to that point finally got down the the real deal. He actually pursued me, and asked me if i wanted to date him. I told him yes. This time, i knew it would be different. This man was not the same as my ex’s. He had something different. Not only was he the most attractive out of all of them, but he possessed something they didn’t. A heart. He was sensitive, deep-thinking, quiet, polite, and always there to help anyone with anything. I knew this was someone i couldn’t let slip away. We dated for several weeks just in the euphoric phase which was wearing off. We spent so much time together, nearly every day in fact, everything was perfect. Not long after the euphoria wore off, we took it to the next step and became sexual. This was different too. Instead of just going for it, he asked. He was so sweet to me, and asked if i was absolutely sure i wanted to do this, and if i was ready. And i said yes.  Things were still wonderful. A few weeks later, we were kissing, and cuddling together. He stopped, and looked at me. I asked him what was wrong, and he said “Nothing. But i think i’m falling in love with you.” I answered with a less than hesitant “I’m falling in love with you too!” And started kissing him more. He pulled away from me again (i guess he thought i only said it in the heat of the moment), and said “No, i’m serious.” I stopped, looked into his eyes, and said “I am too.” And i guess you can figure out what happened then lol.
We dated for a bit after that, and my mom found out we were having sex. She knew he wasn’t my first, but she still flipped out. To make a very, very, very, very long story short; she ended up putting me on pins, sending me to a foster home, and trying to keep us apart. That however didn’t work because i was above the legal age, and there was nothing she could do about it. Anyhow, we decided around that time that we loved each other so much, we wanted to share that love with a child. Yes, at this time i was still 17, and he had turned 33. I became pregnant upon 1 try of us stopping protection. Also, he had proposed to me LOOOOONNNGGGG before we ever decided to have a child, so that was already established. And of course, i said yes :) My mom finally stopped trying to keep us apart, and accepted our relationship (we are all now very close, and she likes him a lot). 37 weeks later, on Sept. 24th 2010 i gave birth by unplanned c-section to our beautiful son who we named Eragon-Nathanial Adrien Octavius Mcbee. He will now be 2 years old in a few weeks :)
A month later, after my 18th birthday, i had to have my gall bladder removed due to it being loaded with stones. After this, i ended up in the hospital with terrible abdominal pains. There, i was told i had an infection in my uterus, and would never be able to conceive another child. We were absolutely devastated. After this diagnosis, we stopped our birth control methods figuring “What’s the point?” Well, it didn’t take long after that for me to get a positive pregnancy test! Eragon was only 4 months old!
Right then, i started planning to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Ceserean) because there was no-way i wanted to go through that agony and torture of a c-section recovery again. I found a care provider who was supportive, and had everything planned out for the whole 39 weeks. That is, until i had a sizing scan at 39 weeks, and it was determined that due to low fluid levels, the baby had to come out right then, but induction was too dangerous. Unbeknownst to me, he was full of shit. So, being uninformed as i was, we ended up having him that day. November 15th, 2011 our second son Zachary-Ryan Rain Joseph Mcbee was born. The irony being his birth was the day before mine and Skie’s 2nd anniversary :) So, things have been going since then.
Eragons 2nd birthday is in a few weeks, my 20th birthday follows, and then Zachary’s first birthday is a month after mine (Skie’s birthday isn’t until June 28th.) We are all still currently living together. We are not yet married (don’t plan on that happening for awhile), and i am 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our third child, due March 17th :) And believe me, we were NOT planning this pregnancy. I was on birth control, and we were tracking my cycle, but you know how things are. He, or she was just meant to be here :) Oh, and i am planning a HBA2C.
Now, as i’m sure you know, this is not everything that has happened in the past 3 years. I have left quite a bit out due to unimportance, irrelevance,  or being something i simply do not wish to share. I don’t think i would ever have the time to sit and write everything lol, but you pretty much get the gist of my life so far. So, this is me. This is my life so far, and i wouldn’t change it for anything. I love my fiance, and our children more than life itself, and we have a very strong support system. I shall be posting (hopefully) at least once a day. Probably at the end of the day, when the kids are in bed so i actually have time to sit and write without hearing “Mama! Mama! Mama! Waaahhh!!! Waaahh!!! Wahhh!!! Babe, get the diapers!!! Oh my god,  somethings on fire!!!” lol XD Oh well, that’s life. This is what we wanted, and we’re just taking it one day at a time<3
-Tyler